Toys 4 Us

I was at Toys R Us yesterday (which my son calls "Toys 4 Us" which honestly makes a lot more sense, don't you think?) when I came across a Puppy Surprise. I mean, of all the awesome 90's toys to be sold in stores in 2015, Puppy Surprise seems an odd choice.

Surprise, Surprise, It's Puppy Surprise! How many puppies are there inside? 

You rip the poor mommy open and pull the puppies out of it's body cavity. Because what's more fun than a brutal dog C-section? And the kid who buys the puppy surprise has to be mentally tough- because you don't know how many puppies you are getting. I got 4 in mine as a kid, which only resulted in a minor tantrum because I didn't get 5 like the girl down the block. 

I find myself wanting to buy a Puppy Surprise, as an almost 29 year old. AND IT HAD BETTER HAD 5 PUPPIES IN IT OR SO HELP ME, I WILL LOSE MY MIND.

Which made me take a walk down memory lane to all the great toys I had growing up. Join me.

(Technically I was born in 1986 but I consider myself a "90's kid" as that's the decade where I was, you know, conscious and active on the toy scene)

1. Waterbabies

The first time I was taught about prayer in church I immediately went home to pray for a Waterbaby. It's squishy, it smells all rubbery- its amazing. Definitely worth pleading to the Almighty for.

They still make Waterbabies, and I wanna buy myself one along with the puppy surprise.

2. American Girl Dolls

If I told you I'm a Samantha, it is not a Sexy and the City reference. It is an AG reference. Yes I read all the books. Yes, one Christmas I asked Santa for Samantha and said "if I don't get her I will never believe in you again." If you have to resort to threats to receive an American Girl Doll, do what you gotta do. Yes, I got her on Christmas morning.

 3. Creepy Crawlers

"Creeeeeeepy CRAWLERS"! Did you just hear the theme song in your head? Uh, of course I need a way to manufacture my own spiders en masse- about time someone figured that out. I can still smell the funky chemical-ish cooking smell in the corners of my memory.

4. Pretty Pretty Princess

This game was amazing. But how many times did we actually play through it and not just end up frantically putting on as much jewelry as possible and screaming at each other? Uh, never.

5. Guess Who?

Even just flipping up all the window thingies was sheer joy. I wish I had one of those boards right here, right now, I'd flip it so hard

6. Beanie Babies 

I remember the first time I ever held an authentic beanie baby in my grubby little hand- at my friend Devon's house in 3rd grade. I distinctly remember thinking, "It's a stuffed animal...AND a beanbag!" And then my brain exploded. Why they stopped making these is one of the great mysteries of the universe to me. I would still buy them. And if they put the little mini ones in Happy Meals again I would seriously get one EVErY DAY. Obesity be damned.

7. Skip-It

I remember doing this in my driveway. I felt invincible. I see now that it is a weird torture device  meant to trick chubby kids into exercising. (Yes I was a chubby kid.) 

8. Stamp Markers

All markers should be in stamp form forever and ever, AMEN!!! I saw these at the toy store yesterday and you better believe I bought some "for Jack"

9. Littlest Pet Shop (Before it got weird)

Cute little pet shop animals. I was obsessed. They still make these but its all weird and anime. WHY ARE ALL TOYS ANIME NOW? Seriously? Someone tell me. It's ruining my life.

10. Polly Pocket (before it got weird)

Polly Pocket was amazing- and pocket size. They still make Polly Pocket but she is inexplicably not pocket size. (And yes, Anime-ish)

11. Caboodles

Awesome name, awesome colors. Could store every precious 90s treasure- my sister had one full of nail painting stuff and hair ties and shiz. I coveted it.

12. Scholastic Book Orders

Not really a toy but a highlight of childhood none-the-less. My mom would always let me pick a book. I remember one time I picked a chapter book about the Donner party and my mom was like "Uh, are you sure? You know they freeze to death and eat each other?" And I was like "OH YEAH." I was probably not a normal child, looking back.

13. Giga Pets/ Tamagotchi

Picking up virtual poop? YES puh-LEASE.

14. Super Soakers

Every little girl got sprayed in the face with THIS exact gun by her stupid lame jerkface brothers. 

15. Water Weenies

I just said to Orrin "Hey you know those water weenie thingys? I want to find a picture of them but I'm scared to google it." And he was like "Hmm... yeah, 'weenie toy' isn't any better." "What about 'squishy weenie toy'?" Don't ask me how I found the above picture. But we all had those and we all played with them and it WASN't WEIRD. 

16. Popper Thingies

Ah, how many times did these shoot me in eye? Every time.

17. POGS

I played these at recess and I had a kick-A slammer with a holographic skull head on it. So, I was probably pretty popular. (Note: I wasn't)

18. Virtual Diaries

I got one of these after my lame little brother announced to everyone the name of my crush at church- and in front of said crush. BLURG. I never figured out how to type on it at a rate faster than 2 words per hour. It was a bust. I loved it.

19. Super Nintendo-->N64

If you think there are any better games than Super Mario 64, MarioKart 64 or The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time I will FIGHT YOU.

20. GAK

It was slimey and it got hairs stuck in it and it was Nickelodeon. It was glorious. 

21. Electronic Hand held games

Especially the Disney ones. The graphics were mind blowing. In a hand held device?! Witchcraft.

22. Magic Eye

The amount of my childhood spent staring at these trying to "unfocus" my eyes is absurd. I still don't believe in them. I still think everyone is lying to me- like that stupid "white/gold blue/black dress" thing that swept the internet. It was white and gold, and seriously why do people lie about seeing something else? To look cool? Should I lie about seeing something so I can be in on the joke? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

23. Koosh balls

I don't know why these were cool but my childhood memories are littered with them.

24. THESE Stick-on earrings

and these alone.

25. Every Disney Animated movie on VHS

Complete with ads at the beginning that we never fast forwarded through. EVER. Because it was all part of the magic.

As a side note...I always thought Walt Disney was a crazy crackhead because he wrote his "D" like a backwards "G". It confused me so much. My little pea sized brain could not comprehend this madness.

26. My Little Ponies (Before they got weird)

Now they are stupid and there is a creepy internet subculture of gay men who love them apparently? Eh, not that surprised.

27. Computer Games I played in "computer lab" on a giant old Macintosh

like Oregon Trail

and

And Math Blasters! Anyone else remember Math Blasters? Anyone?

Pretty sure it is the only reason I can do simple addition and subtraction.

28. Various sugary things we ate and drank

And lunchables and Fruit By the Foot and Fruit Roll-ups that was shaped like a mini pizza with toppings. 

Are you feeling nostalgic now? I am. Look at this awesome kid who was just like my brothers back in the day- with the model airplanes and the Nintendo power magazine and the DuckTales poster.

I hate being a grown up. I didn't sign up for this!

I'm going to guy buy myself like 10 Puppy Surprises and THEN I'll have more puppies than ANY other girl on my block! Muahaha

"The List"

This may be the most embarrassing post I ever write, but it has to be done. Orrin and I were both DYING upon this discovery, and he told me the world needed to see "The List."

Before I can explain what "The List" is, let me set the stage for you. This past week I had surgery on my nose- to fix a super-duper deviated septum. Turns out, I never knew humans were supposed to be able to breathe out of their noses. I thought we were all dorky little mouth breathers- but medical science has shown me the light! This surgery will allow me to breathe much easier, and the doctor also made my nose LOOK better (upping my hotness factor is a huge plus, obviouslyyyy) and it will hopefully help me sleep better once it's all healed up! All good news. Except that the hotness and the breathing and the sleeping have not kicked in yet. 

I'm stuffy, I'm bruised up, and I'm seriously DRUGGED. Last night, with my head propped up on a million pillows and while I was snuggled up to my humidifier, flying high on vicodin, I was tossing and turning. I could not get comfortable. I do not remember this, but apparently I booted Orrin out of the bed for snoring. But I still could not get comfortable and it was just a terrible night's sleep. BLERG. I guess that's the price I pay for wanting to, you know, BREATHE NORMALLY at some point in my life.

Anyway, this afternoon I opened up the "notes" app on my phone to add a few items to a grocery list for this week and I came across an absolute GOLD MINE.

A note, written at 5:23 AM last night. Which, because of daylight savings time, was really 4:23 AM. I have no memory of writing this note. 

And it appears to be (drum roll please)..... 

A zombie survival guide!  (Y'all know my love for The Walking Dead. I have also been reading World War Z with Orrin, which is an account of a zombie uprising. It got into my subconscious.)

Uhhhh.....

Important snippets I knew I must not forget- they had to be preserved! One stroke of genius after another!

A buncha pits! Kick them down! Shoot the lions! Dog bite suits! Ice hotels! Dole plantation!

Orrin immediately pointed out that he loved how some of it seems to be a critique of things that have already happened- such as "Keep better watch".

This is it- the window into my weird, drugged up, disturbed soul.