Blackfishing

I have recently coined a new term to describe what my life feels like sometimes- if I'm having a really bad day I can just tell Orrin, "Watch out, I'm blackfishing!"

Have you seen the documentary "Blackfish"? You should totally watch it if you like being depressed and watching whale attacks. Which, I mean, who doesn't, I guess? I watched it on a particularly angsty Friday night when Orrin was working late again, and it resonated with me in ways I didn't expect.

Basically, orca whales are supposed to swim in a straight line through miles and miles of open ocean, but we put them in tanks and make them do tricks and all they can do is swim in unnatural circles all day. Sometimes it makes them depressed and they float lifelessly still in the tank. Sometimes, it makes them aggressive. I won't get into all the details and the Sea-World-bashing of Blackfish, but it's pretty interesting stuff and wow it makes me feel bad for ever having a Shamu doll.

So how does this relate to my life? I'm totally Tilikum (the main killer whale featured in the movie.) Now, stay with me, because you need to understand that I LOVE my life and my kids and my husband. But the brutal truth is that sometimes I totally feel like a pent up Orca swimming circles around my cage. Some orcas do better than others in captivity- and Tilikum is a prime example of an orca who does NOT do well in a tank. His dorsal fin is depressingly slumped over. On bad days, he tends to get aggressive- he has been involved in many injuries and 3 deaths (of humans. He has also attacked other whales). I'm watching footage of Tilikum and I'm thinking, "I feel you, bro."

Every day I'm in the same tank, meeting the same demands for the same people over and over again. Every night, I'm swimming circles around my tank, knowing it will be exactly the same tomorrow. And the next day. I think, "I could do more than this! I am meant to do more than this! I'm a majestic creature, mmmkay!" That makes Tilikum and I go crazy.

Killer whale version of crazy is brutally mauling your trainer (yikes). My version of crazy is eating 9 cookies and then lying in the fetal position on the floor of my entryway while my two year old says, "it okay, mommy. I take care of you." My version of crazy is snapping at my kids, or or saying "I'm gonna need you to just not talk to me, and leave me alone for like a couple hours" to my husband when he comes in to say hello to me after work. My version of crazy is bawling in Target because I can't find Cheetos. It's not as bad as mauling someone, but still, my dorsal fin is totally slumped over in defeat. And I can't promise you it won't lead to mauling someone. I'm sure Tilikum didn't wake up one morning and think, "Yep, today's the day I'm going to kill a man."

So, now that I have a label for this pent-up feeling I get, I am learning how to prevent and diffuse my blackfishing before it gets to mauling-status. Here are some of the things I've found work for me so far:

-Go somewhere in the car (without kids) and BLAST SOME TUNES. I turn the music up obnoxiously loud. It has the effects of A) making me feel like an annoying punk kid and not a lame mom B) Providing something else for me to have stuck in my head besides the theme song to Bubble Guppies C) Catharsis. Yell some Beastie Boys at the top of your lungs- that'll shake the blackfish rage right off. Do not, and I mean DO NOT!- blast Adele in the car- you're just going to end up sobbing and eating too many onion rings. Blast something stupid and irresponsible- roll up to the Michaels' parking lot with the music bumpin. Bonus points for swear words, sexual/drug references, etc. I'm just kidding, but only a little.

-Eat/drink things that kids don't like or aren't allowed to have. Sushi, fancy salads, an expensive steak, spicy food, caffeine, inordinate amounts of sugar. This small act of rebellion will help you feel that you do at least control somethings in your universe.

-Do your THANG. If your thing is art, music, video games, crafting, cooking, swearing or (heaven forbid) working out, just DO IT. (Insert Shia Lebouf here). You HAVE to do something for you. Even if you think you are too tired, or you don't think it will really help you feel better, just try it, okay? Bonus points if it also gets you out of the house.

-Look back at old photos. This helps give me perspective - kids grow up so fast! Look how far we've come! And also fosters warm, nostalgic feelings towards the kids that I was kinda wanting to strangle (Homer Simpson style, not for reals, don't worry) just moments ago.

-Get. Out.
Leave the tank. Forget about the tank. Go somewhere, see something, talk to someone new. Or just get out of the tank mentally and emotionally- Plan something for the future like a trip, or maybe a graduate program you'd like to do eventually. Remember that this tank is not forever- one day maybe you will be back out in the ocean and you'll be missing the safety of your comfy little tank.

Annnnd that's about all I've got so far. If you can relate, please let me know how you prevent yourself from blackfishing.

And, as a final sidenote:

I still think that's an eye.