Love dreams- Don't get excited. Not THAT kind of love dreams. These are the rarer of my two types of dreams, but still happen frequently enough that they deserve mentioning. In these dreams, someone always ends up confessing to me that they are secretly in love with me. And they always have been, but they had to hide it for a variety of complicated reasons they can't get into, but they just can't hold it in any more. This is hilarious for a number of reasons- first of all, apparently my subconscious thinks PRETTY highly of itself. These dreams are not a reflection of my experiences in the dating world (It was mostly crickets until Orrin) nor are they reflections of my perception of reality so I honestly don't know where they are coming from. Too many cheesy romantic comedies? Too many Jane Austen novels?
Sometimes the man confessing his love is someone that I could hypothetically see myself being happy with- like Rick Grimes? Oh, sure. Or someone I used to have a crush on or something. Yes, that makes sense, I get why my subconscious would conjure up a confession of secret love from them. But sometimes it is someone totally bizarre, or who I would never be happy with, or who I barely know. Like, I think MAYBE I might have spoken to him at the grocery store when picking out avocados?
The dream always ends up the same way- I consider returning this person's affections for JUST long enough to make myself feel guilty, and then I remember, "Wait! I already have a husband!" And then I wake up feeling like, crap, I just broke this dude's heart, AND I'm going to have to tell Orrin that I entertained this proposal from (fill-in-the-blank). Neither one of these is actually true. But I always spend a few minutes in that half asleep fog going "Aw maaaaannnn!" It is never a very satisfying experience, except I guess for my subconscious to store away another piece of evidence that every man I have ever interacted with, seen, or imagined is most certainly secretly pining away for me. (Eye rollllll.)
Hate dreams- Okay, these are my bread and butter. You guys, I have a dream that I am all-out fighting with someone almost every night of my life. And I thought this was totally normal for years and years- I thought that was just what people did. Brush your teeth, get in bed, have a stressful fighting dream, wake up, hop in the shower. Until one morning after casually telling him about the previous night's dream, Orrin said to me, "Why are you always dreaming about arguing with people?" He told me he never dreams about tense confrontations with people, but that sounded wrong to me. I just blew him off like "Oh, that's just because he's such a freakishly nice and mellow guy. All normal people dream about hateful arguments every night." The next person I told about my hate dreams was my mom, who found it hysterical. After she stopped laughing at me, she told me that it was not normal, and did I need some money for a therapist? My hate dreams now have a small cult following of people I love, who will text me on random mornings and ask, "Who were you fighting with last night?"
I am not a violent or hateful person. But sure, I can be hot-headed, I guess. I mean, more so when I was a grumpy teenage girl. I genuinely think I'm pretty mellow now. But my dream self is ALWAYS starting up drama. My dream self is always confronting people- and laying down some serious ugly truth bombs with no concern for the path of destruction I leave behind me. My dream self is always angry, and there is always hell to pay. And I don't hold back, and I just burn all my bridges of all my relationships. And I wake up with an elevated heart rate, feeling all ragey and gross. Sometimes it's like a "HOW DARE THEY" feeling and sometimes its like a "Dang, I should probably apologize" but it is always an unpleasant feeling.
Who do I fight with? Ohhhh everyone.
As a small example, last night I dreamt I was in the delivery room, having a baby, but the doctor wasn't coming into the room even though I was in pain. So naturally I grabbed an innocent med student by the collar and demanded she get me a different doctor RIGHT NOW! But it was too late, and I had the baby with just the med student there to help me, and then I threatened to sue the whole hospital and take them all down (Unclear exactly on why but wow my reasons felt justified at the time.). The med student in this scenario was an old friend of mine. (Name withheld to protect identity, also...not someone that I have any conscious issues with at ALL.) I was screaming, ready to tear that hospital apart brick by brick while everyone cowered in fear.
As another example, I frequently dream that I'm spending time with my family at some kind of pleasant gathering and someone says something that vaguely annoys me and I fly off the handle- I just totally lose it, and I tell them all their flaws and everything they've ever done wrong (often imagined, not real issues, don't get insecure, family members) and then I storm off in some dramatic way and then I'm sad that I was such a jerk. It's the worst. It really doesn't feel good afterwards. But wow, have I had some good exits. I always get in that last word- and it's always super cruel and witty and perfect, then I slam the door or smash a vase or what have you. Just the usual. You know, dream stuff.
Rarely do my hate dreams escalate to physical fighting dreams, but there was one time that I punched the little brother of a childhood friend (seriously, I barely knew this little brother) in the aisles of the grocery store because he told me he dinged my car in the parking lot.
So there you have it. I guess I have hidden rage issues, and now they are not hidden any more. The thing is, I actually really don't think it is anger issues- I attribute it more to my anxiety issues. My brain likes to role play these kind of worst case scenarios to get me all upset and guilty and sweaty, just to start the day off on a terrible foot. But it's much more fun (and slightly less depressing perhaps?) to imagine myself as a quiet Mormon housewife with secret hidden rage toward everyone around me- I'm a ticking timebomb, people.
Tick tock!
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