Mom Guilt (Written by an expert. Me.)

My brother in law is a pediatrician who's been practicing a while now and he has told me that the most common thing he deals with – yes even more common than runny noses and junky coughs- is mom guilt. Working moms, stay at home moms, moms of 8, moms of 1, rich moms, poor moms, hot moms, frumpy moms, frazzled moms and “seem-to-have-it-all-together” moms all share this common fear with him: “I think I am failing. I feel guilty all the time.”

Shouldn't I be enjoying every second of motherhood? Sometimes I really want to yell at my kid or shake them and so I'm a bad person right? Am I ruining my kid? Shouldn't I be kind and patient all the time? Shouldn't I feel like I know what I'm doing? Shouldn't I feel some beautiful sacred connection to this colichy newborn? Shouldn't I be able to make it through the day without sobbing or screaming or sob/screaming?

And he's said to me, “I just don't get it.” He may be a pediatrician, but he's a dude.

As women, we get it. Don't we?

Not to brag, but I myself have a black belt in mom guilt. Especially having experienced the road of a child with special needs, I cannot tell you how much emotional energy I have flushed down the guilt toilet. Did I do something wrong? Am I handling this right? Am I helping him enough? And when you have a special needs child, you have the added pressure of therapists coming into your home multiple times a week and telling you exactly what to do.

Don't get me wrong, I am forever FOREVER grateful to the therapists who helped me with Jack early on. They threw me a life raft when I was drowning. And they made a huge difference in Jack's life- he would never be doing as well as he is today without those brilliant women coming into my house and coaching him (and me). But as part of their job they evaluated every little parenting decision with me. There I was, a first time mom feeling absolutely scared shitless (excuse my language but I need to paint you a word picture here!) and now I have these professionals telling me what to do. This is how you should feed him, this is how you should react when he cries, this is how you should encourage him to talk, this is how you should play with him. This is why your approach isn't working, this is what we need to work on next.

I wanted to please them, I wanted to do it right, but most of all I wanted to come through for Jack. I tried SO hard, you guys. SO SO hard.

me with little Jackboy.

 I look back on those early years with Jack and I'm proud of myself for how much I really did pour my soul into being everything he needed. But I also look back and I see how it drained me- how it crushed me, really. Fast forward a few years and there I was having daily panic attacks, and it's almost not surprising. I was always telling Orrin “I can't do it anymore.” I just kept saying, “I can't. I can't. I'm not enough. I'm failing.”

Not all moms have experienced the same journey I have (SEE THIS PREVIOUS POST ABOUT HOW I TREATED MY ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION) but I believe they have all felt that feeling of “I can't, I can't, I'm not enough, I'm failing.” Maybe not to the same extreme, but to some degree. The more time has passed and the more I am able to slowly process motherhood, the more I am finding happiness in the idea of just letting the guilt go. And I know that seems an impossible task but let me tell you how I've been letting it go.

The biggest epiphany for me was when I realized that being a parent is like any other human relationship. Might sound obvious to you but legitimately sunk my battleship (in a good way!) Look at your other family relationships, you guys. I'm a daughter, but I don't beat myself up emotionally every time I have a bump in the road in my relationship with my parents. If I make a mistake, I apologize. If they make me angry, we take some space, or talk it out. They are my parents and I love them. As long as we know that, human mistakes are expected and completely irelevant. Or like, I'm a sister. And sometimes I annoy my siblings and sometimes they annoy me. Sometimes we are more distant, sometimes we have periods of being pretty close. I don't lose sleep at night thinking “I'm a bad sibling” if every exchange is not complete perfection.

Look at marriage, even. I love my husband SO much, but sometimes I'm mean to him. I take things out on him, I am accidentally insensitive to his needs, I am impatient with him, or I fail him in some way. Then I apologize, and try to do better. We work together to just survive the bad days, we have fun and enjoy the good days. We are humans- we have moods and ups and downs.

So I would challenge you to think of your children as humans. (Ha! Why is that such a hard thing!) and remember that you have a human relationship with these people. They are individuals, they are not a project you are working on. They are not a reflection of you all the time. Your job is to be in there, building a relationship, sticking with them. Your job is certainly not to be perfect, because you are a human too. Your job is to apologize when things go wrong, not to agonize that you're failing. Your job is to allow yourself human moods- sad, grumpy, angry, frustrated, happy, silly, exhausted and peaceful. Let yourself feel them, let your kids see you feel them. They don't need a perma-cheerful and sweet mom-bot. They need a real human mother who loves them.

Allow them the same courtesy as well. Let them be human. Don't feel devastated if they aren't well behaved all the time. Let them experience and express a full range of emotions without taking it personally. Maybe, just maybe, a child's temper tantrum is NOT about your parenting. Pretty liberating to realize that, right? For me, it was huge.

As much as it helped me to realize that being a mother is like any other human relationship, I also noted one big difference. Other relationships like the one with your mom, your spouse or your best friend, you are able to give AND receive of emotional support. Children are not capable of returning everything you are giving them. They just aren't.

Knowing that, have some compassion with yourself when you feel burnt out. Don't guilt yourself for feeling frustrated with these little creatures. They actually DO take and take and take all day long. They do. So cut yourself some slack. Let yourself have a good cry because you're right, its not fair. You're right, it IS asking too much of you. And then, you have got to advocate for yourself. You HAVE to. Fight to find some “me time”. Fight to find happiness somewhere outside your children. Fight to build yourself up. Do NOT tear yourself down for feeling burnt out. That's just a double whammy.

This seemingly simple revelation that I can view motherhood as an imprefect but everchanging relationship with tiny humans has made a big difference for me. I am still me, I am still allowed to make mistakes and learn. Their well being is not dependant on my every perfect parenting decision. My kids don't need perfection, and I can't give it to them, but they do need me, and I can certainly give them that. And some ice cream, too. We all need that, right? But the guilt? No way.

Blackfishing

I have recently coined a new term to describe what my life feels like sometimes- if I'm having a really bad day I can just tell Orrin, "Watch out, I'm blackfishing!"

Have you seen the documentary "Blackfish"? You should totally watch it if you like being depressed and watching whale attacks. Which, I mean, who doesn't, I guess? I watched it on a particularly angsty Friday night when Orrin was working late again, and it resonated with me in ways I didn't expect.

Basically, orca whales are supposed to swim in a straight line through miles and miles of open ocean, but we put them in tanks and make them do tricks and all they can do is swim in unnatural circles all day. Sometimes it makes them depressed and they float lifelessly still in the tank. Sometimes, it makes them aggressive. I won't get into all the details and the Sea-World-bashing of Blackfish, but it's pretty interesting stuff and wow it makes me feel bad for ever having a Shamu doll.

So how does this relate to my life? I'm totally Tilikum (the main killer whale featured in the movie.) Now, stay with me, because you need to understand that I LOVE my life and my kids and my husband. But the brutal truth is that sometimes I totally feel like a pent up Orca swimming circles around my cage. Some orcas do better than others in captivity- and Tilikum is a prime example of an orca who does NOT do well in a tank. His dorsal fin is depressingly slumped over. On bad days, he tends to get aggressive- he has been involved in many injuries and 3 deaths (of humans. He has also attacked other whales). I'm watching footage of Tilikum and I'm thinking, "I feel you, bro."

Every day I'm in the same tank, meeting the same demands for the same people over and over again. Every night, I'm swimming circles around my tank, knowing it will be exactly the same tomorrow. And the next day. I think, "I could do more than this! I am meant to do more than this! I'm a majestic creature, mmmkay!" That makes Tilikum and I go crazy.

Killer whale version of crazy is brutally mauling your trainer (yikes). My version of crazy is eating 9 cookies and then lying in the fetal position on the floor of my entryway while my two year old says, "it okay, mommy. I take care of you." My version of crazy is snapping at my kids, or or saying "I'm gonna need you to just not talk to me, and leave me alone for like a couple hours" to my husband when he comes in to say hello to me after work. My version of crazy is bawling in Target because I can't find Cheetos. It's not as bad as mauling someone, but still, my dorsal fin is totally slumped over in defeat. And I can't promise you it won't lead to mauling someone. I'm sure Tilikum didn't wake up one morning and think, "Yep, today's the day I'm going to kill a man."

So, now that I have a label for this pent-up feeling I get, I am learning how to prevent and diffuse my blackfishing before it gets to mauling-status. Here are some of the things I've found work for me so far:

-Go somewhere in the car (without kids) and BLAST SOME TUNES. I turn the music up obnoxiously loud. It has the effects of A) making me feel like an annoying punk kid and not a lame mom B) Providing something else for me to have stuck in my head besides the theme song to Bubble Guppies C) Catharsis. Yell some Beastie Boys at the top of your lungs- that'll shake the blackfish rage right off. Do not, and I mean DO NOT!- blast Adele in the car- you're just going to end up sobbing and eating too many onion rings. Blast something stupid and irresponsible- roll up to the Michaels' parking lot with the music bumpin. Bonus points for swear words, sexual/drug references, etc. I'm just kidding, but only a little.

-Eat/drink things that kids don't like or aren't allowed to have. Sushi, fancy salads, an expensive steak, spicy food, caffeine, inordinate amounts of sugar. This small act of rebellion will help you feel that you do at least control somethings in your universe.

-Do your THANG. If your thing is art, music, video games, crafting, cooking, swearing or (heaven forbid) working out, just DO IT. (Insert Shia Lebouf here). You HAVE to do something for you. Even if you think you are too tired, or you don't think it will really help you feel better, just try it, okay? Bonus points if it also gets you out of the house.

-Look back at old photos. This helps give me perspective - kids grow up so fast! Look how far we've come! And also fosters warm, nostalgic feelings towards the kids that I was kinda wanting to strangle (Homer Simpson style, not for reals, don't worry) just moments ago.

-Get. Out.
Leave the tank. Forget about the tank. Go somewhere, see something, talk to someone new. Or just get out of the tank mentally and emotionally- Plan something for the future like a trip, or maybe a graduate program you'd like to do eventually. Remember that this tank is not forever- one day maybe you will be back out in the ocean and you'll be missing the safety of your comfy little tank.

Annnnd that's about all I've got so far. If you can relate, please let me know how you prevent yourself from blackfishing.

And, as a final sidenote:

I still think that's an eye.

A dream is a wish your heart makes- My heart wants to fight everyone

An interesting thing about me is that I only ever have two types of dreams. There may be variations and small subplot lines but they always end in one of two ways. For simplification's sake I will call them love dreams and hate dreams. Both of them, you should know, result in me waking up feeling all stressed and agitated. File this under "Should probably be telling this to a therapist rather than publishing it online." (Possible future book title?)


Love dreams- Don't get excited. Not THAT kind of love dreams. These are the rarer of my two types of dreams, but still happen frequently enough that they deserve mentioning. In these dreams, someone always ends up confessing to me that they are secretly in love with me. And they always have been, but they had to hide it for a variety of complicated reasons they can't get into, but they just can't hold it in any more. This is hilarious for a number of reasons- first of all, apparently my subconscious thinks PRETTY highly of itself. These dreams are not a reflection of my experiences in the dating world (It was mostly crickets until Orrin) nor are they reflections of my perception of reality so I honestly don't know where they are coming from. Too many cheesy romantic comedies? Too many Jane Austen novels?

Sometimes the man confessing his love is someone that I could hypothetically see myself being happy with- like Rick Grimes? Oh, sure. Or someone I used to have a crush on or something. Yes, that makes sense, I get why my subconscious would conjure up a confession of secret love from them. But sometimes it is someone totally bizarre, or who I would never be happy with, or who I barely know. Like, I think MAYBE I might have spoken to him at the grocery store when picking out avocados?

The dream always ends up the same way- I consider returning this person's affections for JUST long enough to make myself feel guilty, and then I remember, "Wait! I already have a husband!" And then I wake up feeling like, crap, I just broke this dude's heart, AND I'm going to have to tell Orrin that I entertained this proposal from (fill-in-the-blank). Neither one of these is actually true. But I always spend a few minutes in that half asleep fog going "Aw maaaaannnn!" It is never a very satisfying experience, except I guess for my subconscious to store away another piece of evidence that every man I have ever interacted with, seen, or imagined is most certainly secretly pining away for me. (Eye rollllll.)

Hate dreams- Okay, these are my bread and butter. You guys, I have a dream that I am all-out fighting with someone almost every night of my life. And I thought this was totally normal for years and years- I thought that was just what people did. Brush your teeth, get in bed, have a stressful fighting dream, wake up, hop in the shower. Until one morning after casually telling him about the previous night's dream, Orrin said to me, "Why are you always dreaming about arguing with people?" He told me he never dreams about tense confrontations with people, but that sounded wrong to me. I just blew him off like "Oh, that's just because he's such a freakishly nice and mellow guy. All normal people dream about hateful arguments every night." The next person I told about my hate dreams was my mom, who found it hysterical. After she stopped laughing at me, she told me that it was not normal, and did I need some money for a therapist? My hate dreams now have a small cult following of people I love, who will text me on random mornings and ask, "Who were you fighting with last night?"

I am not a violent or hateful person. But sure, I can be hot-headed, I guess. I mean, more so when I was a grumpy teenage girl. I genuinely think I'm pretty mellow now. But my dream self is ALWAYS starting up drama. My dream self is always confronting people- and laying down some serious ugly truth bombs with no concern for the path of destruction I leave behind me. My dream self is always angry, and there is always hell to pay. And I don't hold back, and I just burn all my bridges of all my relationships. And I wake up with an elevated heart rate, feeling all ragey and gross. Sometimes it's like a "HOW DARE THEY" feeling and sometimes its like a "Dang, I should probably apologize" but it is always an unpleasant feeling.

Who do I fight with? Ohhhh everyone.

As a small example, last night I dreamt I was in the delivery room, having a baby, but the doctor wasn't coming into the room even though I was in pain. So naturally I grabbed an innocent med student by the collar and demanded she get me a different doctor RIGHT NOW! But it was too late, and I had the baby with just the med student there to help me, and then I threatened to sue the whole hospital and take them all down (Unclear exactly on why but wow my reasons felt justified at the time.). The med student in this scenario was an old friend of mine. (Name withheld to protect identity, also...not someone that I have any conscious issues with at ALL.) I was screaming, ready to tear that hospital apart brick by brick while everyone cowered in fear.

As another example, I frequently dream that I'm spending time with my family at some kind of pleasant gathering and someone says something that vaguely annoys me and I fly off the handle- I just totally lose it, and I tell them all their flaws and everything they've ever done wrong (often imagined, not real issues, don't get insecure, family members) and then I storm off in some dramatic way and then I'm sad that I was such a jerk. It's the worst. It really doesn't feel good afterwards. But wow, have I had some good exits. I always get in that last word- and it's always super cruel and witty and perfect, then I slam the door or smash a vase or what have you. Just the usual. You know, dream stuff.

Rarely do my hate dreams escalate to physical fighting dreams, but there was one time that I punched the little brother of a childhood friend (seriously, I barely knew this little brother) in the aisles of the grocery store because he told me he dinged my car in the parking lot.

So there you have it. I guess I have hidden rage issues, and now they are not hidden any more. The thing is, I actually really don't think it is anger issues- I attribute it more to my anxiety issues. My brain likes to role play these kind of worst case scenarios to get me all upset and guilty and sweaty, just to start the day off on a terrible foot. But it's much more fun (and slightly less depressing perhaps?) to imagine myself as a quiet Mormon housewife with secret hidden rage toward everyone around me-  I'm a ticking timebomb, people.

Tick tock!

Why I don't apologize for posting 8,000 pics of my kids every day

I am THAT mom- you know me. Maybe you've already unfollowed me. Maybe you think I should feel bad for flooding your feed with a papparazi-like barrage of mediocre little kid pictures. I know because I see everyone rolling their eyes at me and I've read the scathing online commentaries of how pathetic mommy bloggers are.

But here's the thing- how can I put it nicely? You're wrong. You're wrong, and you're a big old meanie. Moms like me, we HAVE to overgram, overpost and overshare. It's less of a choice and more of a brilliant survival tactic. Let me tell you why.

1. I have no outside sources of validation

When you work a normal job like a normal human, you have people giving you feedback on your performance. People pat you on the back if you do something well. Heck, maybe you even get a raise. The only direct feedback I got today was my two year old throwing a chicken nugget at my face saying, “Not DEEZ chickens! I NOT eat dem!” But if I post a picture of a kid in a brief moment of cuteness (pre-chicken incident), it might get some likes. Someone might mercifully comment, “So cute.” And I will scramble to mentally hoard that seemingly insignificant feedback as a tiny tally mark in my “you're doing okay” column. Maybe I just spent all day looking up recipes, grocery shopping and battling children while cooking simply to produce a migraine and a meal that my kids won't eat. That's why I posted a picture of that average-looking casserole on instagram, fishing for some shreds of validation. Come on, just toss me a “like” before I start questioning my existence. I don't get a paycheck, and sometimes all I have to show for a day of nonstop monotonous labor is the knowledge that I kept my children alive for one more day, and a few instagram photos.

2. I have no grown-up interactions

I won't lie to you, I sang “the wheels on the bus” a total of 33 times this morning. When I am tired, I seductively announce to my husband that I'm going to go get ready for “Nigh-night.” I once exclaimed, “What a good helper you are!” to a teenage grocery store employee as he loaded groceries into the car. And I knew the moment I saw his disgusted expression hiding beneath the feigned politeness- I have crossed over. Slap some high-waisted mom-jeans on me and call me “ma'am”, because there's no coming back from this. My brain is a never ending loop of pinterest crafts, bedtime stories and no-no words (remember how I used the phrase “big old meanie” earlier?). It's too late for me- just go on without me. Social media is my daily lifeline to the outside world. Are there still grown ups out there, or am I living in an apocalyptic wasteland of tyrannical toddlers covered in ground-up cheerio dust? Is that the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse playing eerily in the background on repeat? Can anyone hear me out there? Does anyone want to talk about what they ate for lunch or like this photo of my new shoes? Anyone?

     3. I desperately need to push pause

I once heard someone say, “The days are long but the years are short”, and I want to tattoo that on eyelids now. When you are living in a sleep deprived, caffeine-fueled haze of wiping noses on autopilot, you tend to be focused on surviving this moment and not a moment more. And then, before you know it, you are bawling at your kid's 5^th birthday party, scaring the other children with your desperate sobs. Knowing that I can look back on almost daily pictures of my son eases the pain. It makes me feel less guilty that I've spent most of his life wishing for a nap. I want this early motherhood phase to be over as soon as possible, but I also don't want to miss even one second of it and I want to relive it over and over. I know that doesn't make sense to you. Just double tap my instagram photo and go on with your sane-person life.Babies grow up fast that it feels like they are slipping through your fingers and dragging your life force with them. So I take photos. Incessant photos. In stupid outfits and with stupid props, and then I genuinely believe everyone else will be as excited to see these photos as I was to take them. I once put my baby into a slimey, hollowed out pumpkin for a photo, convinced everyone would be impressed. They weren't. But some friends pretended to be, and for that they earned a place in my heart forever.

A few times I have been told that someone unfollowed me because I post too much, and that used to hurt my feelings. But now I have become hardened and wise and sensitive and humble in a way that is unique to motherhood. Now, if someone wants to unfollow me, I say “adios amigo”. Because I know there are other people out there who care about my sanity enough to like a picture of my boots standing in crunchy leaves. There are people who understand my daily boredom and frustration enough to comment, “he is adorable” on a picture of my toddler son digging in the dirt with his toy excavator. Some days, instagram is the only thing that keeps me from being that mom you see on the news who tried to drive her minivan into a lake. So yeah, I'm not going to apologize.

Also, my kids are REALLY cute, and I'm living the dream. I don't want to forget that. And apparently, I won't let anyone else forget it either.  

Pros and Cons of Chronic Insomnia

If you're a "Glass half full" kinda person you could probably call me a "night owl". If you're a "Glass half empty" kinda person, or even perhaps a realist ("Yep, there is water in this glass.") you could say I'm a "chronic insomniac, bordering on psychotic." I hate going to sleep at night- it really takes EFFORT on my part. Sometimes it takes me hours. Sometimes I fall asleep easily, but then something wakes me up like a crying baby or a single snowflake landing on a window pane 3 houses over and BAM! I'm awake. For houuurrrrrsssss.

This is not a new thing. I've been this way for YEARS. I don't complain about a lack of sleep from my newborn babies as much as some other moms I know because, hello, a newborn baby is an excuse to get up and watch an episode of "Friends" at 4 am.

Currently writing this at 2:23 am because WHY NOT! (Answers include: because your children will need a competent caregiver in a few hours, because human bodies need sleep to live, and simply 'because it's weird, ya nutjob!')

Pros and Cons of Chronic Insomnia

Pro: Happy family moments of the day are replayed in my head and feel very satisfying when I relive them like a blissful mental slideshow. Also, funny stuff is funnier the more I replay it in my head at ungodly hours of the night.

Con: Embarrassing stuff is more embarrassing the more I replay it in my head. I can still remember and recite awkward conversations I had and bizarro things I did at age 12 and they get WORSE over the years and sometimes at 3 am it all feels so humiliating at hopeless that I start googling how to enlist myself in the Navy and start a new life at sea.

Pro: At 3 am, no one expects anything of you. You can (and should?) just lie there and stare at the ceiling and no one is going to judge you for not being productive. I don't like pressure to do stuff. (As a side note, "pressure to have fun" is the reason I hate my birthday, and most holidays.) I love doing nothing, and feeling great about it.

Con: When it's 7 am and lots of people suddenly expect things of you, iiiiiiiit's gonna be rough.

Pro: No pants. Great time to ponder the complexities of life and the universe.

Con: This makes it so that sometimes during the day if I'm really trying to think something through, I have an urge to remove my pants. For the clarity.

Pro: Everyone else is sleeping. Babies look angelic, dog looks cute, husband's snoring is like a soothing white noise machine. You get to be with the people you love, without them doing annoying things like talking to you.

Con: Sometimes when I think everyone is asleep I glance over at the dog and his eyes are wide open staring at me from across the room and it scares the bajeebers out of me. YES, the BAJEEBERS I said.

Pro: Some of my best ideas come to me in the middle of the night. And I swear I think faster than during the day.

Con: Yep,  I definitely think faster than during the day. Lightyears faster. And usually they are stupid  ideas and I wake up to find I have already published them on the internet for all of my friends, and family, and extended family, and husband's extended family, and husband's coworkers to see.

Con: Counting sheep is not a thing. Can we just, clear that up? It's nothing.

Pro: You know what does help? Trying to remember lyrics to N*Sync songs. (I just spent 4 minutes searching my keyboard for the "*" symbol so I hope you all understand the sacrifices I put into writing you a quality blog post.) I can run through "Tearin' Up My Heart",  and "Bye Bye Bye" and then zonk out half way through "It's Gonna be Me." If the corners of your brain are not filled with  Boy Band songs from 1998 because you are actually a worthwhile human being and contributing member of society, you can use any type of mundane memorized information to lull your brain into sleep. Like, maybe recite your multiplication tables or something. I tried to do that once and it just reminded me of those little minute long multiplication tests we had to take in elementary school where you'd do as many questions as you could in one minute and how much they used to stress me out. So intense! Can I just confess that I cheated on those EVERY time? And I am NOT a cheater. I consider cheating immoral. I never cheated on a test except for every minute multiplication quiz I ever took. Because my brain froze up and I knew I knew the answers but I couldn't access them under so much pressure so I HAD to cheat. I HAD to. If this ever gets back to my 3rd grade teacher I am truly sorry that I cheated. But you gotta understand that is too much pressure for a little girl, especially a little girl who hates math, and especially a little girl who hates math and has generalized anxiety disorder! I cant turn in a blank sheet of paper at the end of the minute because of a panic attack, now can I? What was my third grade teacher's name anyway? Why can't I remember? I'm super duper bad with childhood memories- I have very few and I don't know why. Most of my childhood is like this weird foggy dream with random super eerily clear snapshot memories, oh like those traumatizing multiplication tests. Minute madness- That what we called them. Madness indeed. GAAAAH, MY BRAIN. Do you see why I stick to reciting N*Sync lyrics?

Con: It can sometimes be boring to be awake for hours and hours while all of humanity is sleeping.

Pro: Someone invented the internet. Thanks, Al Gore!

If you ever wake up in the middle of the night and you go on facebook and there is some weirdo online posting random stuff...

Guess what (guess what!)....

That's Pinterest-ing...

It turns out, Pinterest is still at thing. I was hoping it's popularity would die off so I could go back to my daily slacking-off without the internet making me feel bad about it. But, the truth is if you are a self-respecting modern young women, ESPECIALLY a mom and MOST ESPECIALLY a stay at home mom, you need to be spending all of your spare moments on Pinterest researching how to make everything you touch into the epitome of cheap, cute and DIY. If you don't D-I-Y, don't even T-R-Y. It's all about DIY. 

I planned my wedding before Pinterest which basically makes me an ancient loser. But, since we bought our first house here in Iowa, I've been relying pretty heavily on Pinterest to validate my paint color choices, pattern mixing and cleaning methods. And of course, I have looked to the DIY gods for guidance. 

And here I share, some of the DIY projects found on Pinterest that I was...shall we say... LESS impressed with.

DIY Cat Tent

That cat looks thrilled, not hopelessly depressed and ashamed at all. 

 DIY Candy Wrapper Wallet

A perfect match for your garbage bag/ duct tape purse. Come on.

DIY Jewlery Holder

Man, I wish I had a creepy chubby ghost hand reaching from the grave to hold my pearl necklace for me. Oh wait, now I can DIY it!

DIY Cat Sweater

A great outfit for a first date or job interview alike! 

 DIY Cookie Basket

Look, if you make cookies as a gift for a friend and you feel the need to do this instead of just putting them on a plate, you might want to think about some relaxation techniques. I hear whale sounds are nice. Just, take it down a notch. Put the cookies on the plate like a regular person, put the tape down and back away. 

DIY Toilet for your American Girl doll

Are you wanting to do a lot of potty play with your American Girl doll? Cuz, like, don't they make tea sets and ponies and stuff for those dolls? Play with those.

"Easy Gift That'll Totally Make the Love of Your Life Cry"

To be fair, I think Orrin MIGHT cry tears of disappointment if I gave this to him for Christmas. 

DIY Bottle Sumo Dudes

"Insanely Easy"- Emphasis on insane. Let's take a moment and pretend these served any purpose whatsoever to make the time and energy worth it- let's talk about those 4 creepy stump legs?!

DIY Dino Phone Stand

A "brilliant dollar store hack"...really, internet? Have we fallen so far?

DIY Bird Feeder with Liquor Bottles

This is all well and good until you look outside to see your creepy drunk neighbor suckling at it.

DIY Poo-Poo Spray

Errrrrrr, just, no thanks.

Read the caption- "Stink is trapped in the toilet water"! Well, by george, that does sound pretty miraculous!

DIY Pet Alligators

"This yard is looking PRETTY nice, but it could really use a lil somethin-somethin. You know what might be just the ticket? A nice tire gator, maybe?"

DIY Toilet Paper Holder

I mean, at least this project uses the whole plastic dinosaur. This looks like something that would happen at my house, so I guess my kids are just really DIY savvy. But I would bet you $20 and a kidney that that dinosaur is gonna be taking a swim in the bowl at some point.

DIY Duct Tape Dress Form

Like...okay? Don't seamstresses usually just take your measurements? Or pin the dress while it's on you? I guess this works too.

DIY Human Table

Cuz that doesn't look uncomfortable.

DIY Chunnel (Chicken Tunnel)

Just what I logged onto Pinterest to look for! When people share this kind of knowledge with the world is just downright generous.

Threaded Spaghetti Hot Dog Bites 

I hate when I'm eating cut up hot dogs in my spaghetti, and I'm like "This is PRETTY good. But could it be better?" Now I know what I was missing. Threading it.

DIY Soda Can Bracelets

Sure to attract everyone's attention at school, and probably no one will wonder, "So...is she homeless then?"

Tire Frogs

More tire crafts! (chanting) Tire crafts, tire crafts, tire crafts!

DIY Butt Fridge Magnets

I really like that she labeled this "DIY Butt FRIDGE magnets". Not just "Butt magnets". Because that would dirty. One thing I really like to see as I'm opening my fridge to get a snack is a variety of animal butts.

DIY Toilet Paper Tree

Really makes you feel like you're out in nature while nature calls. And, since the rolls are pink, it's CUTE too.

DIY Piggy Bank

For those times when you just CAN'T decide if your money should go to your college fund or a casino trip. Definitely, teaching fiscal responsibility with a mini Plinko game.

DIY Button Leggings

GAH! Are those barnacles? Plague Buboes? OH...they are buttons. Cute.

DIY Cartbike

Ample room for your bottles of alcohol in brown paper bags and the box you live in!

DIY Nightlight Slippers

JUST TURN ON THE LIGHT YA WEIRDO

DIY Super Fun Sock Puppet

Super fun! Definitely won't haunt the nightmares of your traumatized children!

DIY Grinch Bottom?

Just, don't do this. You'll ruin Christmas. Don't ruin Christmas. Just...be cool, bro.

DIY Tennis Ball thingy-ma-bob

Off all the "weird" crafts I found, this is the one I want to do the most. 

DIY Glitter Pills

For when you want your insides to really sparkle. Wait, no, I think these are just decor? For like, a "sorry you went on antidepressants" party? Or maybe a "Yay, you're home from rehab" party? Honestly kinda baffled by these.

DIY Paper Wig

By Martha Stewart. Martha must've been PRETTY bored in prison.

DIY "Upcycled Soda Box Pencil Cases"

You know...when you buy pencils...they come in a box.

DIY Guinea Pig Sweater

I can tell he "TOTALLY APPRECIATES" that sweater.

DIY Deer Skull Mount

Caption says "Not for the squeamish". What, like boiling a head would make me squeamish? I'll just take some glitter pills to offset the horror of it.

DIY Dino Heels

Will the uses for plastic dinosaurs never cease? Truly, versatility at its finest. Also, when I first read the caption "dinosaur heels" I thought it was an insult to that lady's heels- which do look kinda raptor-ish actually.

DIY Easy Pencil Crossbow

"Keep Little minds and bodies occupied for hours" Says the caption. With a tiny cross bow. For sure the trip to the ER to remove the pencil from a kid's eyeball will take at least a couple hours.

DIY Denim Planters

Uhhhhhhhhh?

DIY Teddy Bear Wall Art

Don't worry, he's just covering his eyes to hide from the evil spirits that lurk in this haunted mansion.

I hope you're feeling crafty after this smorgasbord of inspiration! And always remember, if you can dream it, you can do it. Even if you dream about Poo-Poo Spray that traps smells in water.