Culinary School for Normal Humans

One time I had an idea that I would go to culinary school. Because I like food- both eating it, and instagramming pictures of it so everyone can see what a good cook I am. You know what would be even better and make my instagram pics even more jealousy-inducing? Me in a CHEF outfit. Yeeeah. Plus, you know, I want to better myself and never stop learning blah blah blah. So I googled culinary programs and found one in my area, and they had an accelerated 12 week program! Perfect- 12 weeks is long enough to become a know-it-all but not too long for my fickle attention span. I was getting excited about doing it and was practically ready to start planning my own food network show when I came across a list of all the subjects the program would cover. Here it is:

High Altitude Baking, Bread, Cakes & Butter cream, Mousses, Meringues, Tart Components, Sugar Cookery, Dessert Sauces, Laminated Dough, Pate a Choux, Custards & Soufflés, Chocolate, Frozen Desserts, Herbs & Spices, Essentials of Taste/Organoleptic, Methods of Cooking Meat, Poultry, and Rabbit, Round fish, flat fish & shell fish, Caviar, Butchery & Fabrication, Foie Gras, Charcuterie, Variety Meats, Stocks, Soups, Sauces, Pasta Eggs, Fusion, Cheeses, Wine Service, Knife Skills, Knife Sharpening, Weights & Measurements, Sanitation, Culinary equipment and tools, Food Costing, Chef History/Brigade System, History of French Cooking, French Geography, French Culinary Terms, History of Italian Cooking, Italian Geography, Italian Culinary Terms, Menu Construct, Old-World Wine, New-World Wine

So...that seems like a lot for 12 weeks. And, let's just put aside the words that I don't even understand (Pate a Choux, Laminated dough (?), Charcuterie) and dive into the things that I don't WANT to understand. Flat fish? Foie Gras? Rabbit? Wines both Old World and New? Caviar? Ehhhh. No. Merci, mais...NO.

The only solution as I see it is for me to start my own culinary school where I will teach things people really want to learn to cook! Here is my curriculum:

-Taquitos
-Cinnabon Cinnamon rolls
-Bacon-wrapped everything
-Krispy Kremes (all varieties)
-Quesadillas & fillings- 'the tortilla is your canvas, be an artist'
-Ratatouille (because I don't know what it is but it looks so appealing in that Disney movie)
-How to not burn the first pancake/waffle (is such a thing possible?)
-Emergency chocolate recipes- maximum cocoa content, minimum prep-to-mouth time
-Eggs that aren't gross
-Tricking children into eating mildly healthy
-Deep Frying: What CAN'T you fry?
-Meals that will make husbands say "That's even better than my moms'!"
-Meals that put husbands in the mood for the business time (WINK)
-Meals that will fill husbands up and get tired wives off the hook for business time that night
-Things you can make in the shape of a dinosaur
-Meals that look pretty for pinterest fame (even if they taste MEH as almost all pinterest recipes do)
-Velveeta: What is in that stuff? I mean, really?

Anyone who wants to sign up for my culinary school, that will be $250,000. Small price to pay for this- the beginning of your culinary calling!

The Ratatouille dish from Ratatouille. Seriously, what is this magical concoction? It's hypnotic.