Say "eat clean" to me ONE MORE TIME, I DARE YOU!

I almost hesitate to post this because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Ladies, rest assured that if I follow you on facebook or instagram, I love you. And I'm not talking about you because you are my friend, Okay? And if I really love you, I've probably made fun of you for this to your face. And you know I say all of this with a wink and smile. It's just harmless teasing. Please do not be offended and cry into your salad bowls, cuz then I'd just be sad.

But here's the thing. I am SO burnt out on the social media health craze. I can only conclude that at this point I am one of maybe a half dozen people left on the planet who does not believe a human body needs a Whole 30, gluten free, casein free, dairy free, vegan, organic, paleo, "real food" "clean eating" diet to be "healthy". Nor does a human mind need 5,000 instagram accounts, blogs, facebook feeds and articles about the aforementioned "healthy eating". Nor does a human body need "201 ways to burn booty fat" or exercises made especially to create a "thigh gap".

Now, take my opinion for what its worth, because I'm not denying that I need to lose a few pounds. I'm certainly not as beautiful as anyone running a health and wellness blog. But I do exercise regularly, I try to eat reasonably, and my doctor will tell you I am healthy.

But I believe in moderation in all things. That means...I should exercise moderation in eating salted caramel ice cream for breakfast. And you should exercise moderation in posting pictures of your chia seed/ natural peanut butter/ banana protein shakes.

Also, if y'all keep eating chia seeds all the time you're going to end up looking like this.

I bet you didn't consider that, didja?! Now who's the health expert?

I'm proud of you for doing things to take care of your health. I bet you put in time to make sure your teeth are healthy too, right? That's good- but I don't want to see a thousand posts on social media of your toothbrush or the cavity-fighting ingredients in your toothpaste or videos of yourself brushing your teeth in cute stretchy outfits. Being healthy is good. Being obsessed with being healthy is just a big yawnfest for all your followers.

Now, I like food. So I like seeing delicious looking and interesting new recipes, even if they are healthy. But I swear if I see one more oatmeal post, or one more smoothie post, or one more bowl of some kind of squash soup I'm going to gorge myself with bacon cheeseburgers just to stick it to the man!! (tears welling up) Guys, I don't want to see your oatmeal anymore.  (Sniff) 

And I don't need to know every time you go to the gym. Sure, post photos of cool new workouts or milestones you're reaching so I can cheer for you. But do not post, every day, a picture of the treadmill display telling me how many calories you burned, or your super cute body flexing in front of the mirror in tight yoga pants. Just do your thing, and then go do other things. Like, living a regular human life.

I submit, for your consideration- a list of other things that contribute to your health besides what you eat and how much you workout: Your emotional well-being, your satisfaction with your life, your family relationships, your friends, your spirituality, the occasional indulgence in something really bad for you, the amount of sleep you're getting, your level of daily intellectual stimulation, your genes, your marriage, your dreams for the future, the weather, your car, your immune system, your hormones, the last time you ate a really good taco, the song that is currently stuck in your head. And I don't see anyone posting about this in their "wellness" blogs!

And lets be brutally honest here and just admit that many (NOT ALL) health and fitness bloggers/facebookers/instagrammers are self serving. They want to "inspire" and "help" other people by posting their rock hard abs. How very charitable!! You are truly making the world a better place with your gym mirror selfies and your smooshy quinoa kale pancakes.

Lastly I would like to throw in my typical feminist rant and say that it is mostly women that I see consumed with social media health posts. Because, in my experience, men either don't care about these things or don't need the validation that comes from throwing out every healthy decision to the social media sharks to devour. And I honestly can't help but feel a little bad for the husband who comes home to a hard days work to a bowl of pureed squash (people: that is baby food!) and gluten-free plant-based imitation croutons. 

If this post hurts your feelings, please know that one day the joke will be on me when my husband drops dead from too many nights of Wendy's meals that he had to resort to because his lazy slacker wife didn't cook him anything- not even pureed squash. And please know that I actually am genuinely, 100% jealous of how cute you all look in those lululemon yoga pants. And that was the goal, right?

In conclusion, I don't know what casein is and I'm only vaguely sure what gluten is, but I know I need them for my happiness. People, I don't drink alcohol, or coffee, or smoke or do drugs. I work hard to take care of my family every day. And if you are going to tell me I need to replace my Diet Cherry Pepsi with disgusting coconut water I will seriously snap. Somethin's gotta give. A girl's gotta have an outlet- sometimes falling asleep for a late afternoon nap in a pile of taco bell wrappers is just the ticket.