Mario Kart is a part of my childhood (and adolescence, and adulthood...) and a part of my soul. I played it with my brothers and I ALWAYS lost. I mean, always. That humbling disappointment, time after time, made me the scrappy little go-getter I am today. I played in college to attract boys...and it did indeed help me to ensnare my husband in a web of love and red shells. We still play it on at least a weekly basis.
So I know a thing or two about Mario Kart. You may believe, as is so often said, "all's fair in love and Mario Kart." But you would be wrong. Let me lay it out for you.
(PS, this post accidentally turned out pretty sacrilegious. I'm sorry. It got away from me.)
The 10 Commandments of Mario Kart
10) Thou shalt not choose Yoshi every time.
Not only is it INCREDIBLY rude and selfish and obnoxious, but it is wasteful. And I'll tell you why- you don't go to a fancy restaurant every night for a month and order bacon-wrapped filet mignon every time. You think you want to. But you don't. Because by day 20 you aren't fully appreciating the deliciousness before you. Take a break- order a salad or some chicken for once, you gluttonous pig! Because then when you do decide to go back to bacon-wrapped filet mignon- THEN you can appreciate it once more. SHARE THE YOSH. A service to others, a service to Yoshi, and a service to yourself.
9) Thou shalt NEVER choose Wario
I will judge you so HARD. That's like being in that fancy restaurant and ordering a disgusting fatty Arby's sandwich ... with a super annoying voice. That's just gross and weird and it offends my discerning palette. The same goes (to a slightly lesser degree) for Bowser and DK
8) Thou shalt always have a "warm-up round"
First round is a warm up round. Getting the feel for your vehicle, getting your head in the game, finding the comfiest spot on the couch, adjusting volume, getting the jitters out, testing out funny potential psuedo-swear words- these are all a real part of true Mariokart.
7) Thou shalt not get legitimately angry with he who has shot thee
Look, it's Mariokart. I don't care if you are my younger sibling, the boy I'm trying to flirt with or a newbie on your first race. My shells are coming for you. I shoot my husband and he shoots me- mercilessly, and that's how it must be. For so it is written. Don't be a whiner.
6) Thou shalt not gloat
Your destruction is coming. Maybe around the corner, maybe on the next lap, maybe on the next race. But it is coming.
5) Thou shalt not choose any version of Rainbow Road
All the awesome courses and you choose Rainbow Road?! I am questioning your taste, your sanity, and...I'll be honest, your sexuality.
4) Thou shalt not complain when thou art in 1st Place
People battling to maintain a 6th place position do NOT want to hear the person in 1st place swearing up a storm because they hit one lowly banana peel. Have some PERSPECTIVE. You don't complain to a man in the middle of a gruesome Walking Dead-style leg amputation that you have a hangnail!
3) Thou shalt not be offended by name calling
Look, we all said things we didn't mean.
2) Thou shalt not "unpause" without a fair and clear countdown
What kind of person unpauses without making sure the other person is ready? People who are going to hell.
1) Thou shalt respect the blue shell
It brings the greatest of us to our knees. It is merciless, relentless, cruel, unyielding and inescapable. To see it pass is to see the Angel of Death pass by the lamb's blood on your doorposts. To be caught in its fiery explosion is your earned reward for flying just a little too close to the sun.
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