That's Pinterest-ing...

It turns out, Pinterest is still at thing. I was hoping it's popularity would die off so I could go back to my daily slacking-off without the internet making me feel bad about it. But, the truth is if you are a self-respecting modern young women, ESPECIALLY a mom and MOST ESPECIALLY a stay at home mom, you need to be spending all of your spare moments on Pinterest researching how to make everything you touch into the epitome of cheap, cute and DIY. If you don't D-I-Y, don't even T-R-Y. It's all about DIY. 

I planned my wedding before Pinterest which basically makes me an ancient loser. But, since we bought our first house here in Iowa, I've been relying pretty heavily on Pinterest to validate my paint color choices, pattern mixing and cleaning methods. And of course, I have looked to the DIY gods for guidance. 

And here I share, some of the DIY projects found on Pinterest that I was...shall we say... LESS impressed with.

DIY Cat Tent

That cat looks thrilled, not hopelessly depressed and ashamed at all. 

 DIY Candy Wrapper Wallet

A perfect match for your garbage bag/ duct tape purse. Come on.

DIY Jewlery Holder

Man, I wish I had a creepy chubby ghost hand reaching from the grave to hold my pearl necklace for me. Oh wait, now I can DIY it!

DIY Cat Sweater

A great outfit for a first date or job interview alike! 

 DIY Cookie Basket

Look, if you make cookies as a gift for a friend and you feel the need to do this instead of just putting them on a plate, you might want to think about some relaxation techniques. I hear whale sounds are nice. Just, take it down a notch. Put the cookies on the plate like a regular person, put the tape down and back away. 

DIY Toilet for your American Girl doll

Are you wanting to do a lot of potty play with your American Girl doll? Cuz, like, don't they make tea sets and ponies and stuff for those dolls? Play with those.

"Easy Gift That'll Totally Make the Love of Your Life Cry"

To be fair, I think Orrin MIGHT cry tears of disappointment if I gave this to him for Christmas. 

DIY Bottle Sumo Dudes

"Insanely Easy"- Emphasis on insane. Let's take a moment and pretend these served any purpose whatsoever to make the time and energy worth it- let's talk about those 4 creepy stump legs?!

DIY Dino Phone Stand

A "brilliant dollar store hack"...really, internet? Have we fallen so far?

DIY Bird Feeder with Liquor Bottles

This is all well and good until you look outside to see your creepy drunk neighbor suckling at it.

DIY Poo-Poo Spray

Errrrrrr, just, no thanks.

Read the caption- "Stink is trapped in the toilet water"! Well, by george, that does sound pretty miraculous!

DIY Pet Alligators

"This yard is looking PRETTY nice, but it could really use a lil somethin-somethin. You know what might be just the ticket? A nice tire gator, maybe?"

DIY Toilet Paper Holder

I mean, at least this project uses the whole plastic dinosaur. This looks like something that would happen at my house, so I guess my kids are just really DIY savvy. But I would bet you $20 and a kidney that that dinosaur is gonna be taking a swim in the bowl at some point.

DIY Duct Tape Dress Form

Like...okay? Don't seamstresses usually just take your measurements? Or pin the dress while it's on you? I guess this works too.

DIY Human Table

Cuz that doesn't look uncomfortable.

DIY Chunnel (Chicken Tunnel)

Just what I logged onto Pinterest to look for! When people share this kind of knowledge with the world is just downright generous.

Threaded Spaghetti Hot Dog Bites 

I hate when I'm eating cut up hot dogs in my spaghetti, and I'm like "This is PRETTY good. But could it be better?" Now I know what I was missing. Threading it.

DIY Soda Can Bracelets

Sure to attract everyone's attention at school, and probably no one will wonder, "So...is she homeless then?"

Tire Frogs

More tire crafts! (chanting) Tire crafts, tire crafts, tire crafts!

DIY Butt Fridge Magnets

I really like that she labeled this "DIY Butt FRIDGE magnets". Not just "Butt magnets". Because that would dirty. One thing I really like to see as I'm opening my fridge to get a snack is a variety of animal butts.

DIY Toilet Paper Tree

Really makes you feel like you're out in nature while nature calls. And, since the rolls are pink, it's CUTE too.

DIY Piggy Bank

For those times when you just CAN'T decide if your money should go to your college fund or a casino trip. Definitely, teaching fiscal responsibility with a mini Plinko game.

DIY Button Leggings

GAH! Are those barnacles? Plague Buboes? OH...they are buttons. Cute.

DIY Cartbike

Ample room for your bottles of alcohol in brown paper bags and the box you live in!

DIY Nightlight Slippers

JUST TURN ON THE LIGHT YA WEIRDO

DIY Super Fun Sock Puppet

Super fun! Definitely won't haunt the nightmares of your traumatized children!

DIY Grinch Bottom?

Just, don't do this. You'll ruin Christmas. Don't ruin Christmas. Just...be cool, bro.

DIY Tennis Ball thingy-ma-bob

Off all the "weird" crafts I found, this is the one I want to do the most. 

DIY Glitter Pills

For when you want your insides to really sparkle. Wait, no, I think these are just decor? For like, a "sorry you went on antidepressants" party? Or maybe a "Yay, you're home from rehab" party? Honestly kinda baffled by these.

DIY Paper Wig

By Martha Stewart. Martha must've been PRETTY bored in prison.

DIY "Upcycled Soda Box Pencil Cases"

You know...when you buy pencils...they come in a box.

DIY Guinea Pig Sweater

I can tell he "TOTALLY APPRECIATES" that sweater.

DIY Deer Skull Mount

Caption says "Not for the squeamish". What, like boiling a head would make me squeamish? I'll just take some glitter pills to offset the horror of it.

DIY Dino Heels

Will the uses for plastic dinosaurs never cease? Truly, versatility at its finest. Also, when I first read the caption "dinosaur heels" I thought it was an insult to that lady's heels- which do look kinda raptor-ish actually.

DIY Easy Pencil Crossbow

"Keep Little minds and bodies occupied for hours" Says the caption. With a tiny cross bow. For sure the trip to the ER to remove the pencil from a kid's eyeball will take at least a couple hours.

DIY Denim Planters

Uhhhhhhhhh?

DIY Teddy Bear Wall Art

Don't worry, he's just covering his eyes to hide from the evil spirits that lurk in this haunted mansion.

I hope you're feeling crafty after this smorgasbord of inspiration! And always remember, if you can dream it, you can do it. Even if you dream about Poo-Poo Spray that traps smells in water.

Nuggets of Wisdom.

Since some of my BEST writing is done under the influence of medications, I am happy to share with you some lovely thoughts of mine I had while in an NyQuil induced stupor. (I had a cold, I was not taking it recreationally. Is it my fault if I happened to enjoy it, as a side affect of it's healing properties? No.)

Last night I wanted to write a blog post about some of my favorite 90's movies- because, 90's movies were epic. But when I started to do it I kept nodding off...because of the aformentioned cold medication. So I thought, "Nah, I will have to write this later. Let me just jot down some ideas for future blog posts and then I'll go to sleep."

Here are the ideas...But I will not be turning any of them into blog posts cuz (surprise surprise) they are all pretty dumb. So, I will just share the delightful nuggets of wisdom here. Enjoy! I did not correct for grammar or spelling or sanity. I did add some pics for your viewing pleasure.


-Can we please stop using cash and just go straight digital? If the Game of Life can convert to an all electronic currency system why can't we? I hate when someone hands me change and the coins are all nasty and warm. And then my hands smell like pennies. Why do pennies have a smell? Cuz they are NASTAY.

-Why do I still have dreams where I am worried about impressing boys I liked in middle school? It makes me want to scoop out my own brain and put it in a blender.

-Sometimes if I'm just walking along and no one is watching I get an urge to jump up in the air like with a little hop to Mario when he hits a block. Cuz I know you can't see any blocks above me but some of those babies were invisible, ya know? Think of all the coins I might be missing. Oh wait I hate coins. Still gonna hop.

-It drives me nuts when people say "Are you working?" And I say "I'm staying home with my two sons right now" and they say "Oh, well, that's working! HahahahaAHAHA!" And I'm like, I know it is, jerk. If you told me you were working as a bank teller and I said "Oh, well that's working HahahahaaAHA" wouldn't that be confusing and rude? (expand rant)

-Why do we call it a 5K when this is America.

-Whoever invents a frozen yogurt machine I can install in my house is gonna get all money. Just, take it. Take it all.

-Radio advertising- why are we still doing it? Is it effective, for reals? Is there anyone who listens to it without frantically changing the station and covering their ears screaming? Why are we still trying to make this happen? It's NOT going to happen!

-I'm 29 and I still don't know what any of the terms and numbers they use in car commercials mean.

-I understand the use for socks when you are wearing shoes- but if you just randomly choose to wear socks while lounging around the house shoeless then I DON'T TRUST YOU. That is unnatural.

Well I don't really know how to end this post other than to say, I really really don't like socks.

The 9 Stages of Moving

My poor neglected blog readers. Pooor baaaabies. My heart is breaking for you, and I'm sorry for the lack of posts. I've been distracted by our epic move from Colorado to Iowa. The whole process has been thrilling (no, not really) and fun (nope) and calming. (LOLZ)

Since I'm like, SO introspective, I have been pondering the process of moving. And I have identified what I'm tentatively calling The 9 Stages of Moving...I think it's so accurate I'm probably going to submit it to some Psychology journals to have this mental phenomenon documented.

1. Excitement
    Yay I bought some boxes! Yay I packed some boxes! Go me! I am, like, SO productive. I'm going to be so organized and on top of it, this move will be cake

2. Minimalism
    Why and HOW do I have so much STUFF? I'm going to get rid of most of this... that old shirt that doesn't fit? Gone. Which escalates to- this item with sentimental value? TRASH. Which escalates to- I don't need a toaster. Only suckers need toasters. See you in hell, Toaster!

3. Desperation 
   JUST CLOSE YOUR EYES AND THROW IT ALL IN BOXES

4. Chaos
    The stuff is packed. Say goodbyes, and cry over weird things like "I'm never going to walk on this particular spot on this particular driveway in my bare feet ever again. SNIFF." Eat fast food for every meal and wear the same 2 shirts for a week because you can't find your other clothes. Survival mode until you get to the new house.

5. Excitement (part 2)
   Yay I made it to the new house! Yay my stuff is here! Go me! I am like, SO productive. I'm going to be so organized and on top of it, unpacking will be cake!

6. Minimalism (part 2)
   I have 5000 boxes of stuff and I can't find anything, but all I really need in life is a bed and a TV and a toothbrush. If I could just get those things set up I could be a sane person for the time being

7. Desperation (part 2)
    Just tear open boxes and pull stuff out and put it in piles all over the house like a hoarder. Sit on floor among piles of crap and cry. Repeat as needed.

8. Regret
    Why did I pack an entire box of mismatched socks? Did I really throw away my toaster?

9. The Vow
     "As God as my witness, I will NEVER MOVE AGAIN. I will stay in this house until the paramedics come to remove my cold dead body."

END SCENE