Crochet WHAT!?

I crochet things. Like baby blankets and hats and scarves and stuffed Yoshis. I find it soothing- which, when my anxious little spazoid brain is able to find some quiet solace in some activity I GRAB ON AND DON'T LET GO. It gives me something to do while I watch reruns of The Office for the 50th time, it keeps my mind from wandering to all the terrible things that are probably going to happen to me any secoooond, and it keeps me from wearing down my iPhone battery playing Candy Crush too much. Win/Win/Win

Sometimes, I like the stuff I make. Sometimes, it's meh. I'm still learning, and I love trying out new patterns. In my explorations of the interweb's vast crochet archives I have found some seriously cute things I must make right now, and some reeeeally ugly things. (Which I also must make right now.)

I submit, for your consideration, this lovely specimen.

For the lonely spinster who fancies herself an elven princess as well. This outfit really makes a statement that you have unlimited access to yarn and free time.

But...nothing says "lonely spinster" like this beaut:

There are all kinds of crocheted cat hats out there. This is a cat who is for SURE going to eat your corpse after you die alone in your apartment. Look at that face, he's thinking about it riiiiight now. That's the stuff.

Speaking of pets who want to kill their weird owners:

Man... if only I had a way to wear my dog as a purse. Ah-HA! I shall crochet a way!

But wait, crochet isn't just for lonely spinsters and their pet "children". It's also for the... flamboyant gay couple?

Or...maybe these are brothers who are being forced to pose in these outfits in these poses by their overbearing crochet-obsessed mother? What do you suppose could be the story behind this picture? I mean, really? That's some kooky stuff.

Speaking of kooky...

That is one gaily tasseled warmer! That lady's eyes are still screaming for help even a half century later.

But I'd rather wear that contraption than this one:

Listed on etsy as "crochet scrunch butt bikini bottom"- if you just can't be patient enough to crochet these for yourself because you just need them right THIS SECOND, you can just order them online.

I don't wear bikinis though...I like to keep it classy in a one piece bathing suit.

Blergh.


In conclusion, if you want to stay on the cutting edge of fasion,

Or make your pets hate you

Crochet is the way to go!

Learn to crochet- all the cool kids are doin' it.

You know I'm all about that vax, 'bout that vax, no measles

I'm going to try to keep my thoughts brief here and keep from ranting. It goes like this: Vaccinate Yo Kids!

1) Vaccines do not cause autism. The one made up "study" that suggest a link was proven fraudulent. But let's pretend for a second that they did. My son is on the autism spectrum, and he's a smart, happy, funny, interesting person with just as much value as every other person on the planet. The conclusion that you would rather risk having your child DIE from a preventable disease rather than risk autism is frankly offensive to me. 

- My husband, my brother in law and my brother are all doctors (well, my husband graduates from medical school in May so technically he doesn't count yet). They are all intelligent and morally good people. The accusations that the medical community is all in on some conspiracy to make money for big pharma is completely crazy. I can't wrap my brain around that. Every single medical researcher and healthcare provider is so morally corrupt they want to harm babies?! Just for the moneybags? 

- This is my biggest beef with the anti-vax line of thinking: If you can't trust your pediatrician to make decisions about vaccinations, why trust them with anything? Why trust them to treat strep throat or pneumonia? Why even take your child to a man who is so corrupted by his greed that he wants to hurt your child with chemicals? I can only imagine how frustrating it must be to be a doctor and have a non-vaxing parent bring in a child with the measles and expect you to heal them. Because suddenly now they trust modern medicine? And your advice? Eh?

From here on out, let's just let the memes do the talkin.

In conclusion... Well, I can't write a conclusion because I am still laughing at "we just rub oil on the plague rot." 

(Please don't post any mean comments telling me I should "do my research". I'll jump through my computer and chase you with a syringe full of the flu vaccine!)  

Say "eat clean" to me ONE MORE TIME, I DARE YOU!

I almost hesitate to post this because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Ladies, rest assured that if I follow you on facebook or instagram, I love you. And I'm not talking about you because you are my friend, Okay? And if I really love you, I've probably made fun of you for this to your face. And you know I say all of this with a wink and smile. It's just harmless teasing. Please do not be offended and cry into your salad bowls, cuz then I'd just be sad.

But here's the thing. I am SO burnt out on the social media health craze. I can only conclude that at this point I am one of maybe a half dozen people left on the planet who does not believe a human body needs a Whole 30, gluten free, casein free, dairy free, vegan, organic, paleo, "real food" "clean eating" diet to be "healthy". Nor does a human mind need 5,000 instagram accounts, blogs, facebook feeds and articles about the aforementioned "healthy eating". Nor does a human body need "201 ways to burn booty fat" or exercises made especially to create a "thigh gap".

Now, take my opinion for what its worth, because I'm not denying that I need to lose a few pounds. I'm certainly not as beautiful as anyone running a health and wellness blog. But I do exercise regularly, I try to eat reasonably, and my doctor will tell you I am healthy.

But I believe in moderation in all things. That means...I should exercise moderation in eating salted caramel ice cream for breakfast. And you should exercise moderation in posting pictures of your chia seed/ natural peanut butter/ banana protein shakes.

Also, if y'all keep eating chia seeds all the time you're going to end up looking like this.

I bet you didn't consider that, didja?! Now who's the health expert?

I'm proud of you for doing things to take care of your health. I bet you put in time to make sure your teeth are healthy too, right? That's good- but I don't want to see a thousand posts on social media of your toothbrush or the cavity-fighting ingredients in your toothpaste or videos of yourself brushing your teeth in cute stretchy outfits. Being healthy is good. Being obsessed with being healthy is just a big yawnfest for all your followers.

Now, I like food. So I like seeing delicious looking and interesting new recipes, even if they are healthy. But I swear if I see one more oatmeal post, or one more smoothie post, or one more bowl of some kind of squash soup I'm going to gorge myself with bacon cheeseburgers just to stick it to the man!! (tears welling up) Guys, I don't want to see your oatmeal anymore.  (Sniff) 

And I don't need to know every time you go to the gym. Sure, post photos of cool new workouts or milestones you're reaching so I can cheer for you. But do not post, every day, a picture of the treadmill display telling me how many calories you burned, or your super cute body flexing in front of the mirror in tight yoga pants. Just do your thing, and then go do other things. Like, living a regular human life.

I submit, for your consideration- a list of other things that contribute to your health besides what you eat and how much you workout: Your emotional well-being, your satisfaction with your life, your family relationships, your friends, your spirituality, the occasional indulgence in something really bad for you, the amount of sleep you're getting, your level of daily intellectual stimulation, your genes, your marriage, your dreams for the future, the weather, your car, your immune system, your hormones, the last time you ate a really good taco, the song that is currently stuck in your head. And I don't see anyone posting about this in their "wellness" blogs!

And lets be brutally honest here and just admit that many (NOT ALL) health and fitness bloggers/facebookers/instagrammers are self serving. They want to "inspire" and "help" other people by posting their rock hard abs. How very charitable!! You are truly making the world a better place with your gym mirror selfies and your smooshy quinoa kale pancakes.

Lastly I would like to throw in my typical feminist rant and say that it is mostly women that I see consumed with social media health posts. Because, in my experience, men either don't care about these things or don't need the validation that comes from throwing out every healthy decision to the social media sharks to devour. And I honestly can't help but feel a little bad for the husband who comes home to a hard days work to a bowl of pureed squash (people: that is baby food!) and gluten-free plant-based imitation croutons. 

If this post hurts your feelings, please know that one day the joke will be on me when my husband drops dead from too many nights of Wendy's meals that he had to resort to because his lazy slacker wife didn't cook him anything- not even pureed squash. And please know that I actually am genuinely, 100% jealous of how cute you all look in those lululemon yoga pants. And that was the goal, right?

In conclusion, I don't know what casein is and I'm only vaguely sure what gluten is, but I know I need them for my happiness. People, I don't drink alcohol, or coffee, or smoke or do drugs. I work hard to take care of my family every day. And if you are going to tell me I need to replace my Diet Cherry Pepsi with disgusting coconut water I will seriously snap. Somethin's gotta give. A girl's gotta have an outlet- sometimes falling asleep for a late afternoon nap in a pile of taco bell wrappers is just the ticket. 

Culinary School for Normal Humans

One time I had an idea that I would go to culinary school. Because I like food- both eating it, and instagramming pictures of it so everyone can see what a good cook I am. You know what would be even better and make my instagram pics even more jealousy-inducing? Me in a CHEF outfit. Yeeeah. Plus, you know, I want to better myself and never stop learning blah blah blah. So I googled culinary programs and found one in my area, and they had an accelerated 12 week program! Perfect- 12 weeks is long enough to become a know-it-all but not too long for my fickle attention span. I was getting excited about doing it and was practically ready to start planning my own food network show when I came across a list of all the subjects the program would cover. Here it is:

High Altitude Baking, Bread, Cakes & Butter cream, Mousses, Meringues, Tart Components, Sugar Cookery, Dessert Sauces, Laminated Dough, Pate a Choux, Custards & Soufflés, Chocolate, Frozen Desserts, Herbs & Spices, Essentials of Taste/Organoleptic, Methods of Cooking Meat, Poultry, and Rabbit, Round fish, flat fish & shell fish, Caviar, Butchery & Fabrication, Foie Gras, Charcuterie, Variety Meats, Stocks, Soups, Sauces, Pasta Eggs, Fusion, Cheeses, Wine Service, Knife Skills, Knife Sharpening, Weights & Measurements, Sanitation, Culinary equipment and tools, Food Costing, Chef History/Brigade System, History of French Cooking, French Geography, French Culinary Terms, History of Italian Cooking, Italian Geography, Italian Culinary Terms, Menu Construct, Old-World Wine, New-World Wine

So...that seems like a lot for 12 weeks. And, let's just put aside the words that I don't even understand (Pate a Choux, Laminated dough (?), Charcuterie) and dive into the things that I don't WANT to understand. Flat fish? Foie Gras? Rabbit? Wines both Old World and New? Caviar? Ehhhh. No. Merci, mais...NO.

The only solution as I see it is for me to start my own culinary school where I will teach things people really want to learn to cook! Here is my curriculum:

-Taquitos
-Cinnabon Cinnamon rolls
-Bacon-wrapped everything
-Krispy Kremes (all varieties)
-Quesadillas & fillings- 'the tortilla is your canvas, be an artist'
-Ratatouille (because I don't know what it is but it looks so appealing in that Disney movie)
-How to not burn the first pancake/waffle (is such a thing possible?)
-Emergency chocolate recipes- maximum cocoa content, minimum prep-to-mouth time
-Eggs that aren't gross
-Tricking children into eating mildly healthy
-Deep Frying: What CAN'T you fry?
-Meals that will make husbands say "That's even better than my moms'!"
-Meals that put husbands in the mood for the business time (WINK)
-Meals that will fill husbands up and get tired wives off the hook for business time that night
-Things you can make in the shape of a dinosaur
-Meals that look pretty for pinterest fame (even if they taste MEH as almost all pinterest recipes do)
-Velveeta: What is in that stuff? I mean, really?

Anyone who wants to sign up for my culinary school, that will be $250,000. Small price to pay for this- the beginning of your culinary calling!

The Ratatouille dish from Ratatouille. Seriously, what is this magical concoction? It's hypnotic.

Why I divorced Mr Darcy and married Mr Grimes

When I was in high school I was way into Jane Austen. I KNOW. You've never heard of a 16 year old who is into that stuff, huh? I was on team Darcy all the way. You guys, you guys- in my yearbook from sophomore year of highschool, in the back where everybody signs- yeah, Mr Darcy signed my yearbook. And by that I mean, I wrote "Allyson, I love you. -Mr Darcy" and I didnt even try to disguise my own handwriting. Believe me when I tell you that is not the least bit embarrassing to find 12 years later. Ay ay ay.

But now, I'm like...grown up. Mature. And stuff. And I've put away my girlish obsession with Mr Darcy and moved up in the food chain to a Mr Rick Grimes (From AMC's The Walking Dead of course). GRIMEY! When Orrin told me he liked a show about zombies (in which they never actually use the word zombies) I think I did some disgusted snorts and told him what a lowlife he was to like that gorey cheesefest. But then I watched one episode. And I was hooked. Hooked on walkers growling, hooked on the creepy violin music opening scene, but most of all hooked on Rick Grimes.

Mr Darcy is for amatures. Grimey is where it's at. And here is irrefutable evidence to support my conclusion.

Mr Darcy is rude to people he just met. For no reason except that he's a jerk.

Rick Grimes is compassionate to walkers he just met. For no reason except he's got a heart of gold.

"I'm sorry this happened to you to you." (kaBLAMO)

Mr Darcy is always wearing frou-fou hoitey stuffy outfits and he looks like it took a team of 20 butlers to dress him while he scowled at them in contempt.

Rick Grimes is always looking effortlessly, ruggedly handsome like he came out of an LL Bean catalogue even in the slim wardrobe pickins of a zombie apocolypse. I mean. Come on. He just threw that on and he looks PERF!

Mr Darcy may be articulate, but really, who needs all those fancy stuffy words?

Not me.

Mr Darcy on a horse (Le yawn. Knowest thou the way to the polo match?)

versus Rick Grimes on a horse (Ohhh yeah, that is one good looking cowboy hero cop and his horse- oh noooo it's being eaten!)

Mr Darcy can save your family from the social stigma of your skanky younger sister running off to shack up with someone by paying the scumbag shacker-upper-guy to marry her even though he doesnt love her. Oh, thanks, superhero! (insert EPIC eye roll)

Rick Grimes can save your family from being EATEN and TORN TO PEICES by the undead, and keep you from starving, and lead the group of struggling survivors with his natural dynamic manliness. So, that seems...better.

In conclusion, Rick Grimes > Mr Darcy. Plus, I mean, if it REALLY makes you feel better, Andrew Lincoln (the actor who plays the Ricktator) has a British accent in real life. Although, honestly, I prefer the gravely, overdone Southern cop voice myself. Because I'm mature now.

The End.