Mom Guilt (Written by an expert. Me.)

My brother in law is a pediatrician who's been practicing a while now and he has told me that the most common thing he deals with – yes even more common than runny noses and junky coughs- is mom guilt. Working moms, stay at home moms, moms of 8, moms of 1, rich moms, poor moms, hot moms, frumpy moms, frazzled moms and “seem-to-have-it-all-together” moms all share this common fear with him: “I think I am failing. I feel guilty all the time.”

Shouldn't I be enjoying every second of motherhood? Sometimes I really want to yell at my kid or shake them and so I'm a bad person right? Am I ruining my kid? Shouldn't I be kind and patient all the time? Shouldn't I feel like I know what I'm doing? Shouldn't I feel some beautiful sacred connection to this colichy newborn? Shouldn't I be able to make it through the day without sobbing or screaming or sob/screaming?

And he's said to me, “I just don't get it.” He may be a pediatrician, but he's a dude.

As women, we get it. Don't we?

Not to brag, but I myself have a black belt in mom guilt. Especially having experienced the road of a child with special needs, I cannot tell you how much emotional energy I have flushed down the guilt toilet. Did I do something wrong? Am I handling this right? Am I helping him enough? And when you have a special needs child, you have the added pressure of therapists coming into your home multiple times a week and telling you exactly what to do.

Don't get me wrong, I am forever FOREVER grateful to the therapists who helped me with Jack early on. They threw me a life raft when I was drowning. And they made a huge difference in Jack's life- he would never be doing as well as he is today without those brilliant women coming into my house and coaching him (and me). But as part of their job they evaluated every little parenting decision with me. There I was, a first time mom feeling absolutely scared shitless (excuse my language but I need to paint you a word picture here!) and now I have these professionals telling me what to do. This is how you should feed him, this is how you should react when he cries, this is how you should encourage him to talk, this is how you should play with him. This is why your approach isn't working, this is what we need to work on next.

I wanted to please them, I wanted to do it right, but most of all I wanted to come through for Jack. I tried SO hard, you guys. SO SO hard.

me with little Jackboy.

 I look back on those early years with Jack and I'm proud of myself for how much I really did pour my soul into being everything he needed. But I also look back and I see how it drained me- how it crushed me, really. Fast forward a few years and there I was having daily panic attacks, and it's almost not surprising. I was always telling Orrin “I can't do it anymore.” I just kept saying, “I can't. I can't. I'm not enough. I'm failing.”

Not all moms have experienced the same journey I have (SEE THIS PREVIOUS POST ABOUT HOW I TREATED MY ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION) but I believe they have all felt that feeling of “I can't, I can't, I'm not enough, I'm failing.” Maybe not to the same extreme, but to some degree. The more time has passed and the more I am able to slowly process motherhood, the more I am finding happiness in the idea of just letting the guilt go. And I know that seems an impossible task but let me tell you how I've been letting it go.

The biggest epiphany for me was when I realized that being a parent is like any other human relationship. Might sound obvious to you but legitimately sunk my battleship (in a good way!) Look at your other family relationships, you guys. I'm a daughter, but I don't beat myself up emotionally every time I have a bump in the road in my relationship with my parents. If I make a mistake, I apologize. If they make me angry, we take some space, or talk it out. They are my parents and I love them. As long as we know that, human mistakes are expected and completely irelevant. Or like, I'm a sister. And sometimes I annoy my siblings and sometimes they annoy me. Sometimes we are more distant, sometimes we have periods of being pretty close. I don't lose sleep at night thinking “I'm a bad sibling” if every exchange is not complete perfection.

Look at marriage, even. I love my husband SO much, but sometimes I'm mean to him. I take things out on him, I am accidentally insensitive to his needs, I am impatient with him, or I fail him in some way. Then I apologize, and try to do better. We work together to just survive the bad days, we have fun and enjoy the good days. We are humans- we have moods and ups and downs.

So I would challenge you to think of your children as humans. (Ha! Why is that such a hard thing!) and remember that you have a human relationship with these people. They are individuals, they are not a project you are working on. They are not a reflection of you all the time. Your job is to be in there, building a relationship, sticking with them. Your job is certainly not to be perfect, because you are a human too. Your job is to apologize when things go wrong, not to agonize that you're failing. Your job is to allow yourself human moods- sad, grumpy, angry, frustrated, happy, silly, exhausted and peaceful. Let yourself feel them, let your kids see you feel them. They don't need a perma-cheerful and sweet mom-bot. They need a real human mother who loves them.

Allow them the same courtesy as well. Let them be human. Don't feel devastated if they aren't well behaved all the time. Let them experience and express a full range of emotions without taking it personally. Maybe, just maybe, a child's temper tantrum is NOT about your parenting. Pretty liberating to realize that, right? For me, it was huge.

As much as it helped me to realize that being a mother is like any other human relationship, I also noted one big difference. Other relationships like the one with your mom, your spouse or your best friend, you are able to give AND receive of emotional support. Children are not capable of returning everything you are giving them. They just aren't.

Knowing that, have some compassion with yourself when you feel burnt out. Don't guilt yourself for feeling frustrated with these little creatures. They actually DO take and take and take all day long. They do. So cut yourself some slack. Let yourself have a good cry because you're right, its not fair. You're right, it IS asking too much of you. And then, you have got to advocate for yourself. You HAVE to. Fight to find some “me time”. Fight to find happiness somewhere outside your children. Fight to build yourself up. Do NOT tear yourself down for feeling burnt out. That's just a double whammy.

This seemingly simple revelation that I can view motherhood as an imprefect but everchanging relationship with tiny humans has made a big difference for me. I am still me, I am still allowed to make mistakes and learn. Their well being is not dependant on my every perfect parenting decision. My kids don't need perfection, and I can't give it to them, but they do need me, and I can certainly give them that. And some ice cream, too. We all need that, right? But the guilt? No way.