Things I really wanna do

Full disclosure- I'm a little crazy. Quirky? Sure. Mentally ill? Probably not much of a stretch. I don't try to hide it. If there was a bumper sticker that said "Ask me about my anxiety meds" I would totally buy it. Because I love those suckers and I know a lot of people who could benefit from them.

Side note: I just googled it, and that bumper sticker does not exist. But this does:

Haaaaa, kinda funny.

Back to my point: I'm crazy. And sometimes I have these weird impulses and compulsive thoughts that are difficult to shake. Some of these are a result of my craziness, but some I believe are a universal human experience.

Without further ado - I present to you, "Weird compulsions I have had to talk myself out of."

1. Driving over traffic cones 

      I started with this because I feel like its the most universal compulsion of all my weird compulsions. Don't tell me that you don't see all those traffic cones lined up for miles on the freeway and picture the satisying "thunk, thunk, thunk" of your car taking them all out. 

2. Knocking over tables

    I have a general urge to throw over a table in a rage, like they always do on tv.

But, more specifically, one time I was at a bead show with my mother in law (she makes pretty beaded bracelets) and the entire time, all I could do was tell myself "Don't do it, Ally. Don't do it." Because the entire convention center was filled with tables covered in teeeny tiny beads. Can you imagine the satisfaction of flipping over those tables and running away? CAN YOU??! 

BEADS WOULD BE FLYING! BEADS EVERYWHERRRE!

3. Driving off a bridge

     Okay, I'm not suicidal. But every time I drive over a bridge, my damaged psyche can't help but imagine what it would be like to just rapidly turn the wheel and accelerate off the bridge. Am I seriously the only person in the world who constantly imagines this? 

You know how in Inception it constantly cutting back to the car falling off the bridge? I legit find that SO SATISFYING.

4. Smashing windows

    I have never broken a window. And I really want to! Preferably with a bat or a hammer.

Tell me you don't want to do it! TELL ME!

Or maybe jumping through a window? Ohhh yeah, that would be sweet. Orrin and I are house hunting right now, and sometimes when I look at a picture of nice house with lots of windows, he will say "Oh, those are nice windows!" And I think, "Yeah, I'd jump through those." But I don't say it. Because, its weird.

5. Knocking over displays

     Especially grocery store displays- where you could just get a running start with your cart and BAM! 

I know this is a commercial but I really find this satisfying...

Just watch those cans falling. And tell me you don't feel good, deep down in your soul.

6. Pushing ALL THE BUTTONS

 Whether it is little animatronic singing Santas at Walgreens, or maybe every single museum display button. You must PUSH THEM.

When I was on a plane with my 4 year old son lately, the pilot let us look in the cockpit. And I thought to myself, "This is not a good place for me." Must...not....push....

7. Throwing a drink in someone's face

       Not in a silly way. In a legitimately angry way. Like..."How DARE you!"

       Going along with this, spitting out a drink in shock.

How many of these do you want to do? Honestly?

I'm gonna go ahead and guess ALL OF THEM. Because you're human.

Why I want to get LASIK ASAP

You know what would be really bad about the zombie apocalypse? I would run out of contacts, so I'd have to wear my glasses.

And I just do not look good in glasses. I don't want to be a nerd running around in my glasses all day, having to stop and use one of those special little cloth thingies to wipe zombie guts off them after a super sweet kill. 

You thought I'd be worried about losing or breaking them and, ya know, being BLiND didn't you? No, I'm just that vain.

Please donate to my LASIK fund- also known as the "keep Ally beautiful in a post apocalyptic wasteland" fund.

"The List"

This may be the most embarrassing post I ever write, but it has to be done. Orrin and I were both DYING upon this discovery, and he told me the world needed to see "The List."

Before I can explain what "The List" is, let me set the stage for you. This past week I had surgery on my nose- to fix a super-duper deviated septum. Turns out, I never knew humans were supposed to be able to breathe out of their noses. I thought we were all dorky little mouth breathers- but medical science has shown me the light! This surgery will allow me to breathe much easier, and the doctor also made my nose LOOK better (upping my hotness factor is a huge plus, obviouslyyyy) and it will hopefully help me sleep better once it's all healed up! All good news. Except that the hotness and the breathing and the sleeping have not kicked in yet. 

I'm stuffy, I'm bruised up, and I'm seriously DRUGGED. Last night, with my head propped up on a million pillows and while I was snuggled up to my humidifier, flying high on vicodin, I was tossing and turning. I could not get comfortable. I do not remember this, but apparently I booted Orrin out of the bed for snoring. But I still could not get comfortable and it was just a terrible night's sleep. BLERG. I guess that's the price I pay for wanting to, you know, BREATHE NORMALLY at some point in my life.

Anyway, this afternoon I opened up the "notes" app on my phone to add a few items to a grocery list for this week and I came across an absolute GOLD MINE.

A note, written at 5:23 AM last night. Which, because of daylight savings time, was really 4:23 AM. I have no memory of writing this note. 

And it appears to be (drum roll please)..... 

A zombie survival guide!  (Y'all know my love for The Walking Dead. I have also been reading World War Z with Orrin, which is an account of a zombie uprising. It got into my subconscious.)

Uhhhh.....

Important snippets I knew I must not forget- they had to be preserved! One stroke of genius after another!

A buncha pits! Kick them down! Shoot the lions! Dog bite suits! Ice hotels! Dole plantation!

Orrin immediately pointed out that he loved how some of it seems to be a critique of things that have already happened- such as "Keep better watch".

This is it- the window into my weird, drugged up, disturbed soul.

Why I divorced Mr Darcy and married Mr Grimes

When I was in high school I was way into Jane Austen. I KNOW. You've never heard of a 16 year old who is into that stuff, huh? I was on team Darcy all the way. You guys, you guys- in my yearbook from sophomore year of highschool, in the back where everybody signs- yeah, Mr Darcy signed my yearbook. And by that I mean, I wrote "Allyson, I love you. -Mr Darcy" and I didnt even try to disguise my own handwriting. Believe me when I tell you that is not the least bit embarrassing to find 12 years later. Ay ay ay.

But now, I'm like...grown up. Mature. And stuff. And I've put away my girlish obsession with Mr Darcy and moved up in the food chain to a Mr Rick Grimes (From AMC's The Walking Dead of course). GRIMEY! When Orrin told me he liked a show about zombies (in which they never actually use the word zombies) I think I did some disgusted snorts and told him what a lowlife he was to like that gorey cheesefest. But then I watched one episode. And I was hooked. Hooked on walkers growling, hooked on the creepy violin music opening scene, but most of all hooked on Rick Grimes.

Mr Darcy is for amatures. Grimey is where it's at. And here is irrefutable evidence to support my conclusion.

Mr Darcy is rude to people he just met. For no reason except that he's a jerk.

Rick Grimes is compassionate to walkers he just met. For no reason except he's got a heart of gold.

"I'm sorry this happened to you to you." (kaBLAMO)

Mr Darcy is always wearing frou-fou hoitey stuffy outfits and he looks like it took a team of 20 butlers to dress him while he scowled at them in contempt.

Rick Grimes is always looking effortlessly, ruggedly handsome like he came out of an LL Bean catalogue even in the slim wardrobe pickins of a zombie apocolypse. I mean. Come on. He just threw that on and he looks PERF!

Mr Darcy may be articulate, but really, who needs all those fancy stuffy words?

Not me.

Mr Darcy on a horse (Le yawn. Knowest thou the way to the polo match?)

versus Rick Grimes on a horse (Ohhh yeah, that is one good looking cowboy hero cop and his horse- oh noooo it's being eaten!)

Mr Darcy can save your family from the social stigma of your skanky younger sister running off to shack up with someone by paying the scumbag shacker-upper-guy to marry her even though he doesnt love her. Oh, thanks, superhero! (insert EPIC eye roll)

Rick Grimes can save your family from being EATEN and TORN TO PEICES by the undead, and keep you from starving, and lead the group of struggling survivors with his natural dynamic manliness. So, that seems...better.

In conclusion, Rick Grimes > Mr Darcy. Plus, I mean, if it REALLY makes you feel better, Andrew Lincoln (the actor who plays the Ricktator) has a British accent in real life. Although, honestly, I prefer the gravely, overdone Southern cop voice myself. Because I'm mature now.

The End.

How to be a super supportive medical school wife

If your husband is in medical school, he is going to need a lot of great love and support from you to make it through the hard days and the hard years. So, try to be extra patient and loving. Try to have a hot, home cooked meal ready for him when he gets home after a long day. Try to rub his feet and lend a listening ear and build up his shattered self esteem when he struggles.

Or, if you can't do any of those things because you are, in fact, a totally lame wife who can't get her crap together (and also thinks man feet are gross), just follow my example.

When all else fails, go with the snake in a sombrero.