Pros and Cons of Chronic Insomnia

If you're a "Glass half full" kinda person you could probably call me a "night owl". If you're a "Glass half empty" kinda person, or even perhaps a realist ("Yep, there is water in this glass.") you could say I'm a "chronic insomniac, bordering on psychotic." I hate going to sleep at night- it really takes EFFORT on my part. Sometimes it takes me hours. Sometimes I fall asleep easily, but then something wakes me up like a crying baby or a single snowflake landing on a window pane 3 houses over and BAM! I'm awake. For houuurrrrrsssss.

This is not a new thing. I've been this way for YEARS. I don't complain about a lack of sleep from my newborn babies as much as some other moms I know because, hello, a newborn baby is an excuse to get up and watch an episode of "Friends" at 4 am.

Currently writing this at 2:23 am because WHY NOT! (Answers include: because your children will need a competent caregiver in a few hours, because human bodies need sleep to live, and simply 'because it's weird, ya nutjob!')

Pros and Cons of Chronic Insomnia

Pro: Happy family moments of the day are replayed in my head and feel very satisfying when I relive them like a blissful mental slideshow. Also, funny stuff is funnier the more I replay it in my head at ungodly hours of the night.

Con: Embarrassing stuff is more embarrassing the more I replay it in my head. I can still remember and recite awkward conversations I had and bizarro things I did at age 12 and they get WORSE over the years and sometimes at 3 am it all feels so humiliating at hopeless that I start googling how to enlist myself in the Navy and start a new life at sea.

Pro: At 3 am, no one expects anything of you. You can (and should?) just lie there and stare at the ceiling and no one is going to judge you for not being productive. I don't like pressure to do stuff. (As a side note, "pressure to have fun" is the reason I hate my birthday, and most holidays.) I love doing nothing, and feeling great about it.

Con: When it's 7 am and lots of people suddenly expect things of you, iiiiiiiit's gonna be rough.

Pro: No pants. Great time to ponder the complexities of life and the universe.

Con: This makes it so that sometimes during the day if I'm really trying to think something through, I have an urge to remove my pants. For the clarity.

Pro: Everyone else is sleeping. Babies look angelic, dog looks cute, husband's snoring is like a soothing white noise machine. You get to be with the people you love, without them doing annoying things like talking to you.

Con: Sometimes when I think everyone is asleep I glance over at the dog and his eyes are wide open staring at me from across the room and it scares the bajeebers out of me. YES, the BAJEEBERS I said.

Pro: Some of my best ideas come to me in the middle of the night. And I swear I think faster than during the day.

Con: Yep,  I definitely think faster than during the day. Lightyears faster. And usually they are stupid  ideas and I wake up to find I have already published them on the internet for all of my friends, and family, and extended family, and husband's extended family, and husband's coworkers to see.

Con: Counting sheep is not a thing. Can we just, clear that up? It's nothing.

Pro: You know what does help? Trying to remember lyrics to N*Sync songs. (I just spent 4 minutes searching my keyboard for the "*" symbol so I hope you all understand the sacrifices I put into writing you a quality blog post.) I can run through "Tearin' Up My Heart",  and "Bye Bye Bye" and then zonk out half way through "It's Gonna be Me." If the corners of your brain are not filled with  Boy Band songs from 1998 because you are actually a worthwhile human being and contributing member of society, you can use any type of mundane memorized information to lull your brain into sleep. Like, maybe recite your multiplication tables or something. I tried to do that once and it just reminded me of those little minute long multiplication tests we had to take in elementary school where you'd do as many questions as you could in one minute and how much they used to stress me out. So intense! Can I just confess that I cheated on those EVERY time? And I am NOT a cheater. I consider cheating immoral. I never cheated on a test except for every minute multiplication quiz I ever took. Because my brain froze up and I knew I knew the answers but I couldn't access them under so much pressure so I HAD to cheat. I HAD to. If this ever gets back to my 3rd grade teacher I am truly sorry that I cheated. But you gotta understand that is too much pressure for a little girl, especially a little girl who hates math, and especially a little girl who hates math and has generalized anxiety disorder! I cant turn in a blank sheet of paper at the end of the minute because of a panic attack, now can I? What was my third grade teacher's name anyway? Why can't I remember? I'm super duper bad with childhood memories- I have very few and I don't know why. Most of my childhood is like this weird foggy dream with random super eerily clear snapshot memories, oh like those traumatizing multiplication tests. Minute madness- That what we called them. Madness indeed. GAAAAH, MY BRAIN. Do you see why I stick to reciting N*Sync lyrics?

Con: It can sometimes be boring to be awake for hours and hours while all of humanity is sleeping.

Pro: Someone invented the internet. Thanks, Al Gore!

If you ever wake up in the middle of the night and you go on facebook and there is some weirdo online posting random stuff...

Guess what (guess what!)....

That's Pinterest-ing...

It turns out, Pinterest is still at thing. I was hoping it's popularity would die off so I could go back to my daily slacking-off without the internet making me feel bad about it. But, the truth is if you are a self-respecting modern young women, ESPECIALLY a mom and MOST ESPECIALLY a stay at home mom, you need to be spending all of your spare moments on Pinterest researching how to make everything you touch into the epitome of cheap, cute and DIY. If you don't D-I-Y, don't even T-R-Y. It's all about DIY. 

I planned my wedding before Pinterest which basically makes me an ancient loser. But, since we bought our first house here in Iowa, I've been relying pretty heavily on Pinterest to validate my paint color choices, pattern mixing and cleaning methods. And of course, I have looked to the DIY gods for guidance. 

And here I share, some of the DIY projects found on Pinterest that I was...shall we say... LESS impressed with.

DIY Cat Tent

That cat looks thrilled, not hopelessly depressed and ashamed at all. 

 DIY Candy Wrapper Wallet

A perfect match for your garbage bag/ duct tape purse. Come on.

DIY Jewlery Holder

Man, I wish I had a creepy chubby ghost hand reaching from the grave to hold my pearl necklace for me. Oh wait, now I can DIY it!

DIY Cat Sweater

A great outfit for a first date or job interview alike! 

 DIY Cookie Basket

Look, if you make cookies as a gift for a friend and you feel the need to do this instead of just putting them on a plate, you might want to think about some relaxation techniques. I hear whale sounds are nice. Just, take it down a notch. Put the cookies on the plate like a regular person, put the tape down and back away. 

DIY Toilet for your American Girl doll

Are you wanting to do a lot of potty play with your American Girl doll? Cuz, like, don't they make tea sets and ponies and stuff for those dolls? Play with those.

"Easy Gift That'll Totally Make the Love of Your Life Cry"

To be fair, I think Orrin MIGHT cry tears of disappointment if I gave this to him for Christmas. 

DIY Bottle Sumo Dudes

"Insanely Easy"- Emphasis on insane. Let's take a moment and pretend these served any purpose whatsoever to make the time and energy worth it- let's talk about those 4 creepy stump legs?!

DIY Dino Phone Stand

A "brilliant dollar store hack"...really, internet? Have we fallen so far?

DIY Bird Feeder with Liquor Bottles

This is all well and good until you look outside to see your creepy drunk neighbor suckling at it.

DIY Poo-Poo Spray

Errrrrrr, just, no thanks.

Read the caption- "Stink is trapped in the toilet water"! Well, by george, that does sound pretty miraculous!

DIY Pet Alligators

"This yard is looking PRETTY nice, but it could really use a lil somethin-somethin. You know what might be just the ticket? A nice tire gator, maybe?"

DIY Toilet Paper Holder

I mean, at least this project uses the whole plastic dinosaur. This looks like something that would happen at my house, so I guess my kids are just really DIY savvy. But I would bet you $20 and a kidney that that dinosaur is gonna be taking a swim in the bowl at some point.

DIY Duct Tape Dress Form

Like...okay? Don't seamstresses usually just take your measurements? Or pin the dress while it's on you? I guess this works too.

DIY Human Table

Cuz that doesn't look uncomfortable.

DIY Chunnel (Chicken Tunnel)

Just what I logged onto Pinterest to look for! When people share this kind of knowledge with the world is just downright generous.

Threaded Spaghetti Hot Dog Bites 

I hate when I'm eating cut up hot dogs in my spaghetti, and I'm like "This is PRETTY good. But could it be better?" Now I know what I was missing. Threading it.

DIY Soda Can Bracelets

Sure to attract everyone's attention at school, and probably no one will wonder, "So...is she homeless then?"

Tire Frogs

More tire crafts! (chanting) Tire crafts, tire crafts, tire crafts!

DIY Butt Fridge Magnets

I really like that she labeled this "DIY Butt FRIDGE magnets". Not just "Butt magnets". Because that would dirty. One thing I really like to see as I'm opening my fridge to get a snack is a variety of animal butts.

DIY Toilet Paper Tree

Really makes you feel like you're out in nature while nature calls. And, since the rolls are pink, it's CUTE too.

DIY Piggy Bank

For those times when you just CAN'T decide if your money should go to your college fund or a casino trip. Definitely, teaching fiscal responsibility with a mini Plinko game.

DIY Button Leggings

GAH! Are those barnacles? Plague Buboes? OH...they are buttons. Cute.

DIY Cartbike

Ample room for your bottles of alcohol in brown paper bags and the box you live in!

DIY Nightlight Slippers

JUST TURN ON THE LIGHT YA WEIRDO

DIY Super Fun Sock Puppet

Super fun! Definitely won't haunt the nightmares of your traumatized children!

DIY Grinch Bottom?

Just, don't do this. You'll ruin Christmas. Don't ruin Christmas. Just...be cool, bro.

DIY Tennis Ball thingy-ma-bob

Off all the "weird" crafts I found, this is the one I want to do the most. 

DIY Glitter Pills

For when you want your insides to really sparkle. Wait, no, I think these are just decor? For like, a "sorry you went on antidepressants" party? Or maybe a "Yay, you're home from rehab" party? Honestly kinda baffled by these.

DIY Paper Wig

By Martha Stewart. Martha must've been PRETTY bored in prison.

DIY "Upcycled Soda Box Pencil Cases"

You know...when you buy pencils...they come in a box.

DIY Guinea Pig Sweater

I can tell he "TOTALLY APPRECIATES" that sweater.

DIY Deer Skull Mount

Caption says "Not for the squeamish". What, like boiling a head would make me squeamish? I'll just take some glitter pills to offset the horror of it.

DIY Dino Heels

Will the uses for plastic dinosaurs never cease? Truly, versatility at its finest. Also, when I first read the caption "dinosaur heels" I thought it was an insult to that lady's heels- which do look kinda raptor-ish actually.

DIY Easy Pencil Crossbow

"Keep Little minds and bodies occupied for hours" Says the caption. With a tiny cross bow. For sure the trip to the ER to remove the pencil from a kid's eyeball will take at least a couple hours.

DIY Denim Planters

Uhhhhhhhhh?

DIY Teddy Bear Wall Art

Don't worry, he's just covering his eyes to hide from the evil spirits that lurk in this haunted mansion.

I hope you're feeling crafty after this smorgasbord of inspiration! And always remember, if you can dream it, you can do it. Even if you dream about Poo-Poo Spray that traps smells in water.

Nuggets of Wisdom.

Since some of my BEST writing is done under the influence of medications, I am happy to share with you some lovely thoughts of mine I had while in an NyQuil induced stupor. (I had a cold, I was not taking it recreationally. Is it my fault if I happened to enjoy it, as a side affect of it's healing properties? No.)

Last night I wanted to write a blog post about some of my favorite 90's movies- because, 90's movies were epic. But when I started to do it I kept nodding off...because of the aformentioned cold medication. So I thought, "Nah, I will have to write this later. Let me just jot down some ideas for future blog posts and then I'll go to sleep."

Here are the ideas...But I will not be turning any of them into blog posts cuz (surprise surprise) they are all pretty dumb. So, I will just share the delightful nuggets of wisdom here. Enjoy! I did not correct for grammar or spelling or sanity. I did add some pics for your viewing pleasure.


-Can we please stop using cash and just go straight digital? If the Game of Life can convert to an all electronic currency system why can't we? I hate when someone hands me change and the coins are all nasty and warm. And then my hands smell like pennies. Why do pennies have a smell? Cuz they are NASTAY.

-Why do I still have dreams where I am worried about impressing boys I liked in middle school? It makes me want to scoop out my own brain and put it in a blender.

-Sometimes if I'm just walking along and no one is watching I get an urge to jump up in the air like with a little hop to Mario when he hits a block. Cuz I know you can't see any blocks above me but some of those babies were invisible, ya know? Think of all the coins I might be missing. Oh wait I hate coins. Still gonna hop.

-It drives me nuts when people say "Are you working?" And I say "I'm staying home with my two sons right now" and they say "Oh, well, that's working! HahahahaAHAHA!" And I'm like, I know it is, jerk. If you told me you were working as a bank teller and I said "Oh, well that's working HahahahaaAHA" wouldn't that be confusing and rude? (expand rant)

-Why do we call it a 5K when this is America.

-Whoever invents a frozen yogurt machine I can install in my house is gonna get all money. Just, take it. Take it all.

-Radio advertising- why are we still doing it? Is it effective, for reals? Is there anyone who listens to it without frantically changing the station and covering their ears screaming? Why are we still trying to make this happen? It's NOT going to happen!

-I'm 29 and I still don't know what any of the terms and numbers they use in car commercials mean.

-I understand the use for socks when you are wearing shoes- but if you just randomly choose to wear socks while lounging around the house shoeless then I DON'T TRUST YOU. That is unnatural.

Well I don't really know how to end this post other than to say, I really really don't like socks.

The 9 Stages of Moving

My poor neglected blog readers. Pooor baaaabies. My heart is breaking for you, and I'm sorry for the lack of posts. I've been distracted by our epic move from Colorado to Iowa. The whole process has been thrilling (no, not really) and fun (nope) and calming. (LOLZ)

Since I'm like, SO introspective, I have been pondering the process of moving. And I have identified what I'm tentatively calling The 9 Stages of Moving...I think it's so accurate I'm probably going to submit it to some Psychology journals to have this mental phenomenon documented.

1. Excitement
    Yay I bought some boxes! Yay I packed some boxes! Go me! I am, like, SO productive. I'm going to be so organized and on top of it, this move will be cake

2. Minimalism
    Why and HOW do I have so much STUFF? I'm going to get rid of most of this... that old shirt that doesn't fit? Gone. Which escalates to- this item with sentimental value? TRASH. Which escalates to- I don't need a toaster. Only suckers need toasters. See you in hell, Toaster!

3. Desperation 
   JUST CLOSE YOUR EYES AND THROW IT ALL IN BOXES

4. Chaos
    The stuff is packed. Say goodbyes, and cry over weird things like "I'm never going to walk on this particular spot on this particular driveway in my bare feet ever again. SNIFF." Eat fast food for every meal and wear the same 2 shirts for a week because you can't find your other clothes. Survival mode until you get to the new house.

5. Excitement (part 2)
   Yay I made it to the new house! Yay my stuff is here! Go me! I am like, SO productive. I'm going to be so organized and on top of it, unpacking will be cake!

6. Minimalism (part 2)
   I have 5000 boxes of stuff and I can't find anything, but all I really need in life is a bed and a TV and a toothbrush. If I could just get those things set up I could be a sane person for the time being

7. Desperation (part 2)
    Just tear open boxes and pull stuff out and put it in piles all over the house like a hoarder. Sit on floor among piles of crap and cry. Repeat as needed.

8. Regret
    Why did I pack an entire box of mismatched socks? Did I really throw away my toaster?

9. The Vow
     "As God as my witness, I will NEVER MOVE AGAIN. I will stay in this house until the paramedics come to remove my cold dead body."

END SCENE
 

I'm going to be an Iowan

Now that Orrin has graduated from medical school we are moving to Iowa for residency.

 A lot of people have expressed sympathy to us regarding our move. But we picked Iowa- it was our top choice! When people ask why, my short answers go like this, "Low cost of living combined with higher salary, my sister and her fam live there, good neighborhoods and good schools, and I can see the mall with the Cheesecake Factory from my house." BOOM. That's it. But just in case you need some more convincing that we don't need your pity smiles when we mention Iowa because it is, in fact, super rad:

-Iowa is the home of the world's largest strawberry

Did that just blow your mind? DID IT!?

-Quaker Oats, in Cedar Rapids, is the largest cereal company in the world

What is more exciting that oats?! I defy you to answer that.

-Home state of John Wayne. 

A pretty friendly, happy guy (when he's not drinking whiskey or putting on an eyepatch or spanking misbehavin' womenfolk or calling people "pill-GRIM")

-Jethro's BBQ n' Bacon Bacon Bacon

A real restaurant with some of these REAL items on the menu: A bucket of bacon, the Bacon Bacon sandwich, the bacon Philly (like a philly cheesesteak but just bacon instead of steak), the triple Bacon Bacon, Bucket of Chocolate covered Bacon, Bacon ice cream.

-Campers and motor homes are manufactured in Winnebago County. They're called Winnebago's. 

Literally NOTHING classier.

-Ripley's Believe It or Not has dubbed Burlington's Snake Alley the most crooked street in the world. 

I'm also pretty sure it has some kind of tie-in to school supply shopping on for wizards. Because its called Snake Alley, and it's magical. Harry Potter, I'll see you there!

-The Iowa state fair is famous for it's yearly (not at all creepy) butter statues.

INCLUDING a JOHN WAYNE butter statue of COURSE

And (GASP) none other than Mr HARRY POTTER. I told you guys, I told you.

- CORN. 

Corn is delicious. It's nutritious. It provides great canvases for aliens to leave crop circles. Corn fields are perfect for hiding from ax murderers. Corn can be made into corn syrup which is the sweet elixor of life for most Americans. It can be popped into an ideal movie snack. It can be waved in you're friend's faces (results may vary)

-Ideal location for zombie apocalypse. 
            Scarce population. Everyone has guns. And corn to hide in. And tractors to drive through zombie herds. And cows to offer as sacrifices. And farms to grow food and make friends with Hershel. 

- Speaking of tractors: John Deere has a big ol' manufacturing plant there. 

I can admit when I'm wrong, you guys. There IS something classier than a Winnebago. And you have just seen it.

I cannot imagine anyone would need anymore convincing that Iowa is THE place to be.  After a few months of living there and eating frozen custard (YES THATS A BIG THING THERE) and eating BACON BACON BACON and licking the butter statues, you might see me in an Iowa Walmart, finally looking my best- finally blossoming into the Iowan I've always wanted to be.

Don't be jealous, everyone. 

Just come to visit me. Okay. PLEASE? 

Please.