A few words about my crazies...

This is a rare serious post from me. Heaven knows why I feel compelled to write it. If you're just here for sarcasm and entertainment, well, yeh best be movin' on. Come back next week.

I very briefly alluded a couple posts ago to my anxiety. I wanted to write a legit post about my experiences with anxiety and depression.

I've always been an anxious person. As a 3rd grader my mom once found me sobbing hysterically on my bed. When she asked me what was wrong I said, "I... I... don't know how to do my (SOB) taxes!!!!" I'm a worrier, I was born this way. I'm here, I'm worried, get used to it. But usually I manage my anxiety relatively well (masking it with sarcasm, eating my feelings in ice-cream form, taking naps in the middle of the day, lashing out in bursts of unpredictable hostility- you know- the usual.) But I could function just fine- and overall my life was happy a good chunk of the time.

My experiences with legitimate anxiety that led to me being diagnosed with "Generalized Anxiety Disorder and depression" were a whole different flavor.

Now, I've never been officially diagnosed with "postpartum depression" so I hesitate to use those words, but I can say for sure that both times in the months (up to a year) after giving birth to my sons I started to feel super duper crappy about my life. In my non professional opinion, giving birth was the trigger for my struggles.

After my first son, they gave me Zoloft after I confessed to my doctor that I stayed up all night feeling guilty for bringing my son into a world were he would have to experience pain and suffering. (He was a 4 month old with a small cold.) I never really felt the Zoloft did anything- but I threw myself into exercise and losing weight. That made me feel better about myself- I ran a 10K and I ditched the Zoloft and I felt like my anxiety went back to a normal(ish) range. Looking back, I don't think it really did. And then Jack was diagnosed with autism later on...and trust me, that did not help with my anxiety. It blew it up times 1000. The worry about his future, the pressure I felt to be a perfect mother and therapist hybrid, the isolating feeling that no one understood what I was going through. Oh, did I mention then I had a miscarriage?

After my second son was born, I went into the OB for my 6 week postpartum checkup and I said, "You know, I'd really like some meds because I don't really feel like myself." Again they gave me Zoloft- again I felt it didn't do much. So I stopped taking it after a few months. And then in the year that followed I deteriorated slowly over time- until I was having almost daily panic attacks that were so severe I honestly believed them to be heart attacks. I was also severely depressed by the time I sought help again. They had me fill out an anxiety form and I was a 9/10.

Here's what anxiety felt like:

       -Panic attacks
                Randomly occurring or triggered by a small worry. My hands tingle. I feel my heart beating out of my chest. I hear my heart beating in my head. I start to hyperventilate. I feel genuinely scared for my life. I know that sounds dramatic, but I honestly feel a paralyzing fear that the world is ending. For me it lasts 5-15 minutes, then I start to calm down a little. And the fear lets go of me, and I'm exhausted afterwords but fine besides that. A couple of times it happened in the car and I had to pull over. And I honestly considered calling 911- because thats how scared I was.
     
-Inability to let things go
               Like I said, I am a worrier. I always will be. But this is different- it is like my brain grabs on to an idea of something I could potentially worry about and that it BITES down with a death grip and won't let go and rolls around like a crocodile doing a death roll. And I tell myself "No, that's ridiculous, let it go." But I CAN NOT. Obsessing, tossing, turning. No sleep, no peace, no happiness. Just worry worry worry and a full body nervousness over something I know is not rational.

For example, I once started worrying "What if my boys wake up in the night with the stomach flu?" As a normal person, you can go, "I'll deal with it if it comes up, we'll survive. But it's not likely to happen tonight." As an anxious person, you stay up all night watching the video monitor on your kids in anticipation of the worst possible scenario.

Here's what depression felt like:

-No Self Esteem
           I remember thinking everyone secretly hated me. Everything I say or do or post on Facebook is annoying to everyone I love and they are probably making fun of me behind my back. I'm fat, I'm ugly, I'm not a good enough mom. My kids would be happier with any other person on earth as their mom instead of me. My husband probably thinks I'm boring and naggy and wonders why he married me. No amount of reassurance from husband, friends, or family can help with these feelings of failure and insecurity.

-Feeling disconnected from the world
          Once, a friend was telling me about getting engaged and I remember thinking, "Oh...how strange that stuff is still happening." I know that makes no sense to you normal, happy people. But I legitimately felt the world should be frozen...or done. Over? I guess it was because I felt so frozen and done. But the world just kept going. How very strange.

I've never admitted that before- I wonder if anyone can relate to it?

-Physical Symptoms
      Headaches, Exhaustion. Wanting to sleep all day, wanting to eat everything I could find. Weight gain.

-No hope or excitement
          I was never suicidal, but I do remember thinking I would like to sleep forever. Never did I wake up in the morning excited for the day. Every day felt so tedious, long and draining. There were no high points in my days. Just nothing- or bad. No good.

I finally went to my doctor and confessed all of this when I couldn't handle the panic attacks any longer. I was hesitant because I'd tried antidepressants and felt they didn't work. The doctor (or actually, it was a nurse practitioner I saw that day) gave me a hug, and looked me in the eyes and said, "You don't have to live like this." And I said "I want to believe you!" But I didn't believe her. Because when you are in that- you honestly feel like things will NEVER get better. You can't even remember what better feels like.

I know this is cheeseball AND nerdy (a two for one!) but it makes me think of Lord of the Rings.

Sam: Do you remember the Shire, Mr. Frodo? It'll be spring soon and the orchards will be in blossom, and the birds will be nesting in the hazel thicket. And the whistle in the summer barley in the Lower fields. And eating the first of the strawberries with cream. Do you remember the taste of strawberries?

Frodo: No, Sam. I can't recall the taste of food, nor the sound of water, nor the touch of grass. I'm naked in the dark. There's nothing--no veil between me and the wheel of fire. I can see him with my waking eyes.

Sam: Then let us be rid of it, once and for all. I can't carry the ring for you, but I can carry you! Comeon!

I was Frodo, and this super nice, middle aged NP with crazy borderline-unprofessional eye shadow was my Sam. She was so great- she was determined to find me something that helped. She hypothesized it was untreated postpartum depression, and also a result of my stressful situational issues (being married to a busy med student, being a special needs mom, having a baby, etc) and my natural tendency to be high strung.

You guys, it took a few tries with different meds, some tweakings of dosage, and a few months but I am now on meds that help. A totally different class of drug than Zoloft. Because not all meds work for all people. And can I tell you, it is a MIRACLE. It is like throwing that ring into the fiery lava of Mount Doom! Okay, I'll stop with the nerdy metaphors now.

How I know I feel better:

-Sometimes I'm just in the car driving along after running errands or dropping a kid at school or whatever and I turn up the radio and I just get this feeling like, "Oh wow, I'm feeling happy at this moment. I forgot you can just feel happy, for no reason." I have moments of just relaxed, mellow, enjoyment.

-I feel better about myself. I'm a normal woman with insecurities but I don't constantly come down on myself. I treat myself with kindness. I am not worried about myself all the time.

-No more panic attacks! I went from almost daily panic attacks to almost none! I haven't had one in months. If I do feel one coming I am able to head it off before it reaches the panic point- I can talk myself through it and force myself to breathe slowly so I don't hyperventilate. I also have another medication to take if I feel I need it in the face of a panic attack, but I haven't needed to take that in months either

-I feel normal. I don't know how to explain this other than to say I feel normal. I feel like me.

-I feel excited for things, I want to do things and plan things and experience things. I want to be here. In my life, doing what I'm doing. I want to read things, and talk to people, and play with my kids, and go outside, and write long rambling blog posts.

-I can sleep. And this is HUGE. You don't know what a toll it is taking on your brain to not be sleeping well. Because once you get that sleep piece in place, ohhhh baby is life worth living!

-I can LET IT GO. I'm still me, so I'm still a worrier. But when I'm worried about something, I can pull an Elsa. (Sorry, I watch too many kids' movies these days.) I can let it GO. I can recognize when something is irrational or out of my control or just plain silly. And I can tell myself "Girrrrl, that's crazy talk" and move on. You don't know how powerful that is.

And that is why I'm writing this post, I guess. If you don't feel like yourself- or you're feeling a little too Frodo-ish for your tastes- please keep trying until you find something that helps. It might be meds like it was with me. It might be therapy, or karate, or cooking, or binge watching Mad Men on Netflix. (That's also my therapy. I love me some skeezy Don Draper.) But there is SOMETHING that can help you. Talk to your doctor, your spouse or a friend. Because you don't have to live like this. And I don't want you to.